Saturday, March 27, 2010


So there you have it - my series of BFPs (Big Fat Positives for those not savvy to the addiction of peeing on sticks!!). Now, to most people you may not be able to see the second lines on the first two - but with my super surro-pee test vision, along with the confirmation from my fellow surrogates, they indeed are there!! (plus in my defense they are much harder to see when captured on photo than in person - you must believe me!). But regardless of squinting and taking apart tests, the word "pregnant" is all I need to put a smile on my face. The first (at 4 days past transfer) I was CERTAIN would be negative. After spending a small fortune on tests at Target, I scolded myself as I even took the test because I knew it was early and would be let down. I envisioned just flushing $10.00 down the drain as I "wasted" it just for the sake of being impatient. But the faintest of faint line gave me hope! Darker the next day, and digital test today confirms! A & J are super excited but still cautious - but what they don't realize is that this is a MAJOR hurdle we have overcome. So many times IVF cycles fail, so to even get this far is a huge leap in the right direction. My beta (bloodwork) that will give us my hormone levels isn't scheduled until April 5th, which might as well be an eternity away. So I am going to try and reschedule it for this coming up week. THEN, instead of obsessing over little pink lines, I can start obsessing over the number (is it too high, is it too low, did one stick, both??, what if there's a splitter??) - that's when the fun begins :) But for right now, in this moment and today, life is GOOD and I am thankful!!!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Stick babies stick!!

So the BIG day was yesterday!! I now have 2 beautiful little embryos floating around trying to find a comfy place to set up shop. Everything went pretty smoothly. Brandon came with me and we were a little surprised that A & J (the parents) had not yet arrived. So time is passing and they aren't showing and I am getting pretty nervous. What if they don't show? Do we go forward anyhow? Maybe they are backing out???!! All of these things are running through my already frazzled mind. So when the nurse called me back that it's my turn I had a moment of panic, and then go to the back where A and J are sitting waiting for me. Thank goodness! I have no clue why they were put in the back room and we were in the waiting room, but my fears were rested and we got all ready to go (including lovely hospital gown and gorgeous blue mesh hair-net!).

Then the nurse had me take a valium (I believe to relax the walls of the uterus). I didn't have to do this last time, but it's part of this Dr.'s medication schedule. I did not like it one bit - I don't do well with stuff like that. It made me all loopy for a short time. But A was allowed to come back with me for the actual procedure. We even got to see the little embryos on a big screen and watch as the Dr. sucked them up and put them in, and you can't help but look at them and think, my God, those are 2 tiny little babies!!!! Just amazing - and so surreal. They put in a 5day and a 6day (that just means how far they are developed) and they said they were good quality and my lining looked good. :) It only takes all of about 3 minutes for the whole thing.

So afterwords we all went to lunch, then went to pick up the kids from my parents, and headed home. Although valium and me are not friends, I do not think I have ever slept so long in my life! I passed out as soon as we got home. Woke up for dinner and my meds. And passed out again until the morning. So in total I got about 14, yes 14, hours of sleep. I must have really needed it, because today I feel like a completely new person!! I am feeling really good and positive. My actual bloodwork-pregnancy test is not until April 5th, but I think I will probably test at home sooner just to prepare myself. The success for IVF isn't all that great, so I am trying not to get my hopes up too high. But I REALLY hope this works and it all goes well.

Positive energy reinforcement, right?? So stick babies stick....stick babies stick......

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Try, try again...

Well, when I had written the last post back in August, I really thought that would be the end to this blog. I was heartbroken, horribly sad, and just overwhelmed with the feeling that I had done something terribly wrong. The whole termination process was extremely physically painful, and of course took a real emotional toll on me. But after healing and taking time to think about why I had gotten myself into that situation to begin with (as in, why I wanted to be a surrogate), I realized I could not end the period in my life having babies with such a tragic experience. I just felt I could do better. So, I decided to get back in the saddle and do another surrogacy.

Many people in my life are not too happy about this decision. Some say that I should have learned my lesson (!!!!), that I should just move on and realize that having children shouldn't be "forced" and that there are reasons certain people do not/cannot have children. I wholeheartedly disagree with these statements. I think it's an utter shame that people could even for a second believe that surrogacy is a bad thing and make judgements on others not so fortunate with their fertility. Yes, bad things can happen (don't we all now know!), but that doesn't mean that EVERY surrogacy ends badly, and that most certainly doesn't mean that just because I had one bad experience, people out there who desperately want children and can't shouldn't be afforded the chance to be parents. The majority of people in my life, the ones who know and care about me, do not want to see me go through what I went through before. But are willing to support me if this is something I feel I must do. And this IS something I feel I must do! I feel I have the opportunity to do something extraordinary for somebody, and I owe it to myself and to my little surro-angel baby, who I was responsible for not only helping bring into this world but take him out, to do so. I know I can do better! And what some people don't understand is that surrogacy makes me a better person. It makes me a better mom because it makes me appreciate (even more-so than I already did) how lucky and fortunate I am to have all of these incredible moments with my own children. It makes me a better wife because I see how amazing and wonderful Brandon is for supporting me with everything I do - and makes me want to do the same for him. And it makes me a better person, because knowing I am doing something good for somebody else and sacrificing parts of myself for someone makes me feel fulfilled. And if God forbid something terrible happens again, okay then. I will walk away from surrogacy and know I gave it my best. But I do believe I have a purpose here and I need to give it just one more shot.

So back in January I got matched with another couple through the agency I was with prior. The reason they chose this couple for me is because they are on the same page as me as far as terminating. It is in my contract that I will not terminate for Down's again, and the couple I am doing this for agree that they do not believe that is something worth ending a babies life for. They are absolutely wonderful! Brandon and me both think they are just an awesome down-to-earth interesting couple who you can tell will be fabulous parents. They live within an hour away too, so they can be there for all of the milestones of the pregnancy. I am so excited to begin this process again for them, and I am trying really hard not to let last time spoil this excitement.

So, back to the board with all of the medications/injections/etc! We are transferring 2 frozen embryos March 21st (less than a week away)!!! Crossing fingers, toes, and everything else that this time will be different....