With tears in my eyes and a sunken heart I have to say this will be my last post. It was found from our amnio result that this baby boy has Down's Syndrome. It was a surprise to all because all of the ultrasounds so far have shown perfect growth and no markers for any problems at all (besides for the higher reading on the NT screen). Kendra and Tony have decided that they want to terminate this pregnancy. I have pleaded, I have begged, I do not believe this is the right decision for this baby. In my heart, I know that he could have a fulfilling and loving life, despite his set-backs and handicaps. I know that Down's babies can be the most loving and cheerful children, and can bring so much into the lives they touch. If it were my choice I would have this baby and find a warm and loving adoptive family for him that would be prepared to deal with the special care he would need. But this is not my choice :( Instead, I go Monday morning to begin the 2 day process of ending this pregnancy. I am horrified and saddened. I have been feeling him move around for a short while now, and this little baby has no idea that he is different or may have problems. It is killing me inside to know that I am spending the last few days of his life with him, and that I will have to be there with him when it ends. It is gut-wrenching. I never imagined in a million years I would be in this position. I feel as if I am being punished for just trying to bring something good and joyful into this world. This is and will be my deepest regret in life. I wish and wish that in my contract phase I would have had the foresight to know how this would feel, and I wish I had changed my stance on termination. I had thought from the beginning that it is not my baby, so it should not be my decision. But after feeling this little guy squirm around inside me and after everything I have done for him to allow him to grow and be healthy, I can't help but feel that a part of me will die along with him.
I truly appreciate all of the love and support I have received from everyone around me. You all have made me a stronger person and have gotten me through all of the hurdles and challenges that have come along with this journey. I only wish from the bottom of my soul that this could end in a different way. But I guess I am just a passenger along for this ride :(
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Kristen;
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry your act of generousity is ending this way. It was generous of you to have the blog. It is important that surrgate candidates realize that this is one of the realities of the journey. I am so sad for all of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Kristen,
ReplyDeleteI am so sad for you, Kendra and Tony. This had to be such a heart wrenching decision. Thank you for sharing your experience, may God give you comfort during this difficult time.
Just heartbroken for you :( I dont know what to say..
ReplyDeleteI feel so sad for you. I had hoped they would reconsider and let you continue the pregnancy and find an adoptive family. :( Big hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear this. It is such a tragedy. I know how you feel about contracts. I wished I had done the same with my first surrogacy. I wasn't in the same situation but it was similar - I was forced to reduce from triplets to a singleton at 13 weeks. If you ever want to discuss things, please feel free to contact me. Good luck with the future and I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for you, this is such a hard thing to bear, and is certainly one of the harder aspects of surrogacy, I am sure that your IPs did not make this decision lightly, and it is a sad day for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI read through your blog and just wanted to say sorry that you have had to go through this. I wish your IPs would have listened to you and understood your thoughts. I live about 20 minutes from you in Island Lake. I see you are in Grayslake. We have been looking for a surrogate for a few months now, but have not found that right person. I know you must need time to recover both physically and mentally, but if you think you might want to be a surrogate again or know of anyone in IL or close by I beg you to email me or pass my email on to someone else. I am praying for you! Amy a.mullen@sbcglobal.net
ReplyDeleteStopping by from SurroMoms. I'm so terribly sorry that you've had to endure this procedure.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to heal and find peace. I can't imagine you situation, but want to let you know that I support you!
ReplyDeleteHi Kristen, I don't know how I came across your blog.. but I started from the begining not knowing the outcome. There are no words I can say to take the pain away. I am so sorry. I am also so proud of you. You have done such a selfless act in this messed up world. I hope you find comfort in knowing that the little boy has two very special friends in Heaven. I know we were never close, but please contact me if you ever want to talk. I'm on facebook. Lots of Hugs for you and Brandon... Jill W.
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