7w6d.... chuggin' along...

There are the babies - although they still look like little blobs, they have grown so much the past couple of weeks!! :) They both measured 8 weeks exactly and one had a heart rate in the 160s and one in the 150s. ***cheering*** This appointment is a big deal to me! These first few weeks and appointments of a pregnancy always scare me and keep me on the edge. I think this is because when I had my miscarriage, I was thinking I was 11-12 weeks along and an ultrasound (after the doc. couldn't find the heartbeat via doppler) showed the baby had died at 9 weeks. Ironically, that was the only pregnancy I have had (out of 5 now!) that I didn't have any type of bleeding/cramping, and it was the only one where the baby just stopped growing. Everyone always told me "Oh, don't worry - if you have a miscarriage, you will definitely know it!". Well, I guess I proved that theory wrong, and now I always tend to expect the worst at this point because of that. I don't trust my instincts. I remember thinking when that happened that I must be a horrible mommy because my baby had died and I didn't even know it :( Even 5 years later it makes me cry remembering how that felt. I obviously know it wasn't my fault, but you can't help but feel like a failure when something you are solely responsible for doesn't make it. But seeing these babies growing right on schedule and having perfect heartbeats puts my soul at ease (at least until the next appointment!).

So, I am in the process of playing this little game I like to call "Morning Sickness..... or the Flu??". A few weeks ago I felt like death - really. It took all my strength just not to throw up and I would just cry thinking how could I possibly feel this way for several more MONTHS?? But then miraculously last week I woke up and felt pretty okay, and felt that way the whole week. At first, being the person I am, I decided that I was feeling better because something was going wrong with the babies. But an ultrasound last week showed that wasn't the case. So then I am thinking, well, OK, I was right - it WAS just the flu!! I still didn't feel great, but at least functional. Well, today I am getting the horrible yucky awful feeling back. So morning sickness.... or just the flu?? Hmmmm. I know the flu has been spreading like wildfire around here, and Leo has thrown up twice today, so I wouldn't be surprised. But maybe again I am just living in a dream world and this is just how it's going to be for a while. Either way I am just happy to be at this point right now. I think I only have a few weeks left of medications/injections and I should be released soon to my own OB so I can continue as if this is a normal pregnancy. So I have many things to look forward to in order to keep my spinning nauseous mind (and stomach) off of the fact that I feel like I may just die :) I mean, this feeling can't last forever....RIGHT??!!!