My last post...

With tears in my eyes and a sunken heart I have to say this will be my last post. It was found from our amnio result that this baby boy has Down's Syndrome. It was a surprise to all because all of the ultrasounds so far have shown perfect growth and no markers for any problems at all (besides for the higher reading on the NT screen). Kendra and Tony have decided that they want to terminate this pregnancy. I have pleaded, I have begged, I do not believe this is the right decision for this baby. In my heart, I know that he could have a fulfilling and loving life, despite his set-backs and handicaps. I know that Down's babies can be the most loving and cheerful children, and can bring so much into the lives they touch. If it were my choice I would have this baby and find a warm and loving adoptive family for him that would be prepared to deal with the special care he would need. But this is not my choice :( Instead, I go Monday morning to begin the 2 day process of ending this pregnancy. I am horrified and saddened. I have been feeling him move around for a short while now, and this little baby has no idea that he is different or may have problems. It is killing me inside to know that I am spending the last few days of his life with him, and that I will have to be there with him when it ends. It is gut-wrenching. I never imagined in a million years I would be in this position. I feel as if I am being punished for just trying to bring something good and joyful into this world. This is and will be my deepest regret in life. I wish and wish that in my contract phase I would have had the foresight to know how this would feel, and I wish I had changed my stance on termination. I had thought from the beginning that it is not my baby, so it should not be my decision. But after feeling this little guy squirm around inside me and after everything I have done for him to allow him to grow and be healthy, I can't help but feel that a part of me will die along with him.
I truly appreciate all of the love and support I have received from everyone around me. You all have made me a stronger person and have gotten me through all of the hurdles and challenges that have come along with this journey. I only wish from the bottom of my soul that this could end in a different way. But I guess I am just a passenger along for this ride :(

I got a wonderful (and delicious) surprise from Kendra and Tony last week (see picture)! And I also included a little snapshot from when the baby was 11 weeks old (truly outdated by now - it has grown a lot since then - but cute nonetheless!) BUT, to say things are going smoothly would have to be a lie! These past couple of weeks have been the most extreme roller-coaster of emotions possible! It all started last Monday when I went for the first trimester downs screening (the NT scan) which is an ultrasound to measure the thickness of the fluid on the back of the baby's neck and it is also combined with a blood test to determine the baby's risk for chromosomal disorders. Typically people will get like a 1 in 10,000 (or some other high number) risk for something wrong. Well, we get the ultrasound done and then meet with the "genetecist" (contracted out from my OBs office) and she was like, "Well, from what we are seeing this baby has a 1 in 2 chance of having a chromosomal problem, and even if the chromosomes end up being normal, only a 17% chance of making it to delivery without dying in utero". This doctor was cold, matter-of-fact and totally lacked any spark of compassion or personality. It was just me and Kendra because Tony was out of town, and we both look at each other and she starts to cry. Fighting back tears myself, I try to concentrate on what the doctor is telling us, and try to figure out what it all means. This doctor stated that she believed we did not need a second opinion (and suggested that by getting one we were just trying to get somebody to lie to us tell us the baby was fine) and said we should go straight to having an amnio, if the baby even survived that long. :( It was a nightmare - the worst news ever. She wouldn't write down the information she was giving us because she didn't want us to go on the internet and get wrong information, so she just said if we had any questions to just ask her right then. YEAH - that's easy - you've just been dumped on with terrible news and are expected to know what to ask - stupid doctor. So we had the choice of scheduling the amnio with her or with Evanston hospital, so I went with Evanston. I scheduled it and like 20 minutes later they called me back and said that based on the results that got sent over from my OB, they didn't feel comfortable going straight to an amnio (which has a 1 in 150 or 200 risk of causing a miscarriage ... the geneticist told us it was 1 in 1600 - totally wrong information). So they had me come in the following day for a level II ultrasound just to make sure. And lo and behold, that doctor had absolutely no basis for making that diagnosis, and not only that, the levels they measured fall into a NORMAL category. They are the high end of normal, but nonetheless normal. This is shocking to me - can you believe that a doctor that you are supposed to trust can make such a huge error in reading results?? And had the hospital not questioned it, we would have went on to have the amnio and possibly risked the life of the baby for nothing. It just makes me sick to know that we were given incorrect information, and in such a horrible manner. We found out from Kendra's fertility doctor that this specific genetecist has a 60% termination rate with her patients, which is absolutely outrageous. We are all so upset. Anyways, I guess the moral of the story is to never trust a doctor and always second guess things that don't seem right. We are currently in the process of talking with the doctors of my OB office and we are going to meet face to face to discuss this "genetecist" and her practices. I feel as if we are in good hands now, but what about the hundreds of other women this doctor treats and may or may not give mis-information to? It is scary - heartbreaking. So we will see what (if anything) can be done to prevent this from happening to others.

Of course we are not totally out of the woods yet. Since the measurements were on the high end (after going to Evanston and getting our bloodwork back, our risk came back at 1 in 108 of having a chromosomal problem - similar to what the odds would be for a 39 year old, even though Kendra was only 32 when the embryo was created). But it certainly isn't the dire situation that the first doctor had said. The baby went from having a 50% chance of having something be wrong at that first appointment, down to 1% - pretty drastic if you ask me!!!

So after much discussion with eachother and with all of the doctors, Kendra and Tony have decided to go ahead with the amnio. It is extremely hard to shake that awful news we originally recieved (even though our current doctor insists that the original diagnosis was incorrect), and they just are hoping to receive good news from the amnio and we can all go on to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy, and if the results come back not what we are hoping for, at least they can prepare for what is to come. But for sure they will have answers by the end of next week (and will know the sex of the baby for sure!! At least something fun to get out of a not so fun experience!). We are all just praying and hoping for the best at this point.

Crazy News....

So at my last appointment Kendra and Tony shared with me some news....

she is pregnant!!

I didn't post it then because I thought I would wait until she got past the point of her last miscarriages, and she just had an ultrasound and everything is looking good. So it is safe to say she will be having 2 babies 1 month apart from eachother... how crazy is that!!!
Of course the news was shocking to them and me as well. At first I just felt bad, like that they really don't need me here. I mean, I wanted to have a baby for a couple who couldn't have one themselves, and here we are! And for everything they have spent financially and emotionally to get me pregnant for them, it seemed kind of to be a waste if they didn't need to do this after all.
But it seems that maybe her body was able to get pregnant because after these past few years struggling with trying to have a baby, she was finally able to just relax knowing that they had one little bun in the oven growing away. It will be really awesome to see this all unfold. I can't begin to imagine what it will be like for them bringing home a newborn from the hospital and being 9 months pregnant... it will definitely be a challenge, but I am sure once they get their 2 little ones home safe and sound it will be just wonderful. So they will be getting their twins (sort of!) after all :)
Because of her blood clotting issue (which is why they didn't use their own embryos on themselves) they are monitoring her blood closely and will medicate if necessary to keep the baby safely put, but it seems like everything is going okay so far, so that is good. So it won't be exactly the journey I was expecting, but I guess the only thing better than getting one baby out of this situation, is getting two! And the greatest thing of all is that the baby I am having for them will have a sibling, which is truly wonderful and makes me happy!

11 weeks...

So we had an ultrasound at 11 weeks this past weekend. The baby is getting so cute :) Tony and Kendra were both able to be there - it was fun to see Tony's reaction, since this is the first time he has "seen" the baby! Everything is moving right along. The bleeding area is totally gone (thank goodness!), and I am now off every single one of the medications (FREEDOM!!) and off any restrictions. It feels great to finally be done with everything and go on to a normal pregnancy schedule. The medications were really starting to wear on me, so it is a relief to be done. However, the whole area where I had to do all of those awful injections is numb and achy at the same time. I don't know how long this will last - hopefully not permanent!! It is really strange because I have been off the injections for a couple weeks now. The good news is I think I am getting my energy back and morning sickness is subsiding (knock on wood!!). 2 days of feeling pretty great - I hope it continues! I haven't had a headache in a few days either, so I am thinking I am on my way to 2nd trimester bliss - haha :) Couldn't come soon enough!

time is flying.... and all is well...

So far so good. I am almost totally weaned off my meds (no more shots - yay!!) and the only symptoms I have been really having (besidse being exhausted) is nausea and pretty brutal headaches, which I am hoping will start to go away in a couple of weeks. I had my first OB appointment last week. I was just under 9 weeks, so I wasn't expecting much. But the Dr. decided he was going to try and hear the heartbeat with the doppler anyhow. And to my absolute surprise... he found it!!!! 164! I couldn't hear either of my own kids heartbeats by doppler until like 13 weeks, so this was great! I am starting to feel really positive about this pregnancy now. Sometimes I let my fears/past experiences get in the way just enjoying things and keeping a good outlook. I know that is something I really need to work on, because as Brandon likes to remind me all of the time, if you are going to worry and expect the worst to happen, it might as well just happen, because you have already experienced it as if it had. It's true - I know! Anyhow, I get another ultrasound in a couple of weeks and then yet another one a couple of weeks after that. It is awesome getting to get all of these little sneak peeks at the baby! In normal pregnancies you definitely do not get all of this reassurance that everything is okay. It makes the time go much faster when you have so many small little milestones to look forward to :)

The only negative experience I have had so far is that the doctor I met with last week (who is definitely NOT my favorite doctor in the group) informed me that there is no way to make any exception to allow both Kendra and Tony in the OR when I have the c-section. This is extremely upsetting to me!!! How can you have a couple pay to have their baby in your hospital, and then not allow them both to be there to see the birth of their child?? I am furious and will definitely be seeing what I can do to change this. He said I can only choose one other person (besides myself) to be there. So of course I would pick Kendra, but it is just not fair! Not only will one of them not be able to see their child be born, but for myself, I am doing this whole thing so that in the end I will get to see the expression that they will both have holding their baby for the first time, and I will be missing that if they can't both be in there. Well, policy is policy, but we will see what happens with this one! I will not be letting this go very easily, that is for sure!

8w ultrasound....

I was so dreading this appointment today. After having some more spotting this morning, I was just terrified that the ultrasound today would reveal something bad. I was so nervous in the morning that I couldn't eat, so I took my prenatal vitamin on an empty stomach (bad idea!!). I ended up throwing up before we left the house with 2 kids crouched over me in the bathroom asking me "What is wrong Mommy??? What is going on???" Not my finest moment - haha. I won't be making that mistake again!!
So anyways, we were fortunate enough to get good....GREAT... news. The baby (which looks like a little gummy bear) has grown tiny little arms and feet and was wiggling all around. The heartbeat was 167. And the best news is that the bleeding area that had doubled in size is now HALF the size it was, and is starting to clot up. That is such fantastic news!! So Dr. Jacobs says that the risk of miscarriage has dropped to 2%, and will be down to 1% by next week. I feel as if a ton of bricks have been lifted off of my shoulders! He released me to my normal OB and gave me a schedule to wean me off of all medications slowly over the next few weeks, as well as to resume all normal activities after 2 more weeks. Him and all of the nurses that I have gotten to know over the past couple of months seemed truly happy that everything looks so good right now. And of course Kendra seemed ecstatic that things are moving along. This was a really big appointment because we are really close to when we both had our miscarriages. So getting good news today was the best thing possible. So hopefully there will just be boring updates from this point forward - haha!! Who am I kidding? This journey so far has been anything but boring - who knows what we will have to conquer next? But I am confident that we can tackle any challenge that comes our way from this point on :)

7w3d - ultrasound...

So the next ultrasound showed the baby with a heartbeat of 145 and perfect growth for its age! It was wonderful news, followed by not so wonderful news. The SCH they were worried about last week has not only not gotten better, it has doubled in size :( One of the things I had thought when I saw this, was that maybe it has to do with the baby aspirin I am taking. It is meant to thin the blood to provide better blood flow to the baby, but wouldn't that mean that it would make a spot that is bleeding internally, bleed more??? So I asked then nurse, and she didn't seem to think so, but asked the doctor anyways. He advised me to stop the aspirin (I knew it! Why didn't I ask this LAST week????) and then to go on 24 hours off my feet. I am also restricted to no exercise or heavy lifting, and then I go back for yet another ultrasound next Tuesday. Thankfully, my mom offered to take the kids overnight and until tomorrow evening so that I could truly rest - it was a blessing!! So I am really trying to take it easy, although it is very difficult with so much going on. Today is Carmela's 1st birthday and we have a big party planned for this weekend. I am swamped with invitation orders, and work is very busy as well. So in between all of these things, I know I need to take a step back and just relax. I need to let this thing heal!! I am praying it will begin to clot up and next week will reveal better results. Fingers crossed!!!