BFP!!!!

So there you have it - my series of BFPs (Big Fat Positives for those not savvy to the addiction of peeing on sticks!!). Now, to most people you may not be able to see the second lines on the first two - but with my super surro-pee test vision, along with the confirmation from my fellow surrogates, they indeed are there!! (plus in my defense they are much harder to see when captured on photo than in person - you must believe me!). But regardless of squinting and taking apart tests, the word "pregnant" is all I need to put a smile on my face. The first (at 4 days past transfer) I was CERTAIN would be negative. After spending a small fortune on tests at Target, I scolded myself as I even took the test because I knew it was early and would be let down. I envisioned just flushing $10.00 down the drain as I "wasted" it just for the sake of being impatient. But the faintest of faint line gave me hope! Darker the next day, and digital test today confirms! A & J are super excited but still cautious - but what they don't realize is that this is a MAJOR hurdle we have overcome. So many times IVF cycles fail, so to even get this far is a huge leap in the right direction. My beta (bloodwork) that will give us my hormone levels isn't scheduled until April 5th, which might as well be an eternity away. So I am going to try and reschedule it for this coming up week. THEN, instead of obsessing over little pink lines, I can start obsessing over the number (is it too high, is it too low, did one stick, both??, what if there's a splitter??) - that's when the fun begins :) But for right now, in this moment and today, life is GOOD and I am thankful!!!

Stick babies stick!!

So the BIG day was yesterday!! I now have 2 beautiful little embryos floating around trying to find a comfy place to set up shop. Everything went pretty smoothly. Brandon came with me and we were a little surprised that A & J (the parents) had not yet arrived. So time is passing and they aren't showing and I am getting pretty nervous. What if they don't show? Do we go forward anyhow? Maybe they are backing out???!! All of these things are running through my already frazzled mind. So when the nurse called me back that it's my turn I had a moment of panic, and then go to the back where A and J are sitting waiting for me. Thank goodness! I have no clue why they were put in the back room and we were in the waiting room, but my fears were rested and we got all ready to go (including lovely hospital gown and gorgeous blue mesh hair-net!).

Then the nurse had me take a valium (I believe to relax the walls of the uterus). I didn't have to do this last time, but it's part of this Dr.'s medication schedule. I did not like it one bit - I don't do well with stuff like that. It made me all loopy for a short time. But A was allowed to come back with me for the actual procedure. We even got to see the little embryos on a big screen and watch as the Dr. sucked them up and put them in, and you can't help but look at them and think, my God, those are 2 tiny little babies!!!! Just amazing - and so surreal. They put in a 5day and a 6day (that just means how far they are developed) and they said they were good quality and my lining looked good. :) It only takes all of about 3 minutes for the whole thing.

So afterwords we all went to lunch, then went to pick up the kids from my parents, and headed home. Although valium and me are not friends, I do not think I have ever slept so long in my life! I passed out as soon as we got home. Woke up for dinner and my meds. And passed out again until the morning. So in total I got about 14, yes 14, hours of sleep. I must have really needed it, because today I feel like a completely new person!! I am feeling really good and positive. My actual bloodwork-pregnancy test is not until April 5th, but I think I will probably test at home sooner just to prepare myself. The success for IVF isn't all that great, so I am trying not to get my hopes up too high. But I REALLY hope this works and it all goes well.

Positive energy reinforcement, right?? So stick babies stick....stick babies stick......

Try, try again...

Well, when I had written the last post back in August, I really thought that would be the end to this blog. I was heartbroken, horribly sad, and just overwhelmed with the feeling that I had done something terribly wrong. The whole termination process was extremely physically painful, and of course took a real emotional toll on me. But after healing and taking time to think about why I had gotten myself into that situation to begin with (as in, why I wanted to be a surrogate), I realized I could not end the period in my life having babies with such a tragic experience. I just felt I could do better. So, I decided to get back in the saddle and do another surrogacy.

Many people in my life are not too happy about this decision. Some say that I should have learned my lesson (!!!!), that I should just move on and realize that having children shouldn't be "forced" and that there are reasons certain people do not/cannot have children. I wholeheartedly disagree with these statements. I think it's an utter shame that people could even for a second believe that surrogacy is a bad thing and make judgements on others not so fortunate with their fertility. Yes, bad things can happen (don't we all now know!), but that doesn't mean that EVERY surrogacy ends badly, and that most certainly doesn't mean that just because I had one bad experience, people out there who desperately want children and can't shouldn't be afforded the chance to be parents. The majority of people in my life, the ones who know and care about me, do not want to see me go through what I went through before. But are willing to support me if this is something I feel I must do. And this IS something I feel I must do! I feel I have the opportunity to do something extraordinary for somebody, and I owe it to myself and to my little surro-angel baby, who I was responsible for not only helping bring into this world but take him out, to do so. I know I can do better! And what some people don't understand is that surrogacy makes me a better person. It makes me a better mom because it makes me appreciate (even more-so than I already did) how lucky and fortunate I am to have all of these incredible moments with my own children. It makes me a better wife because I see how amazing and wonderful Brandon is for supporting me with everything I do - and makes me want to do the same for him. And it makes me a better person, because knowing I am doing something good for somebody else and sacrificing parts of myself for someone makes me feel fulfilled. And if God forbid something terrible happens again, okay then. I will walk away from surrogacy and know I gave it my best. But I do believe I have a purpose here and I need to give it just one more shot.

So back in January I got matched with another couple through the agency I was with prior. The reason they chose this couple for me is because they are on the same page as me as far as terminating. It is in my contract that I will not terminate for Down's again, and the couple I am doing this for agree that they do not believe that is something worth ending a babies life for. They are absolutely wonderful! Brandon and me both think they are just an awesome down-to-earth interesting couple who you can tell will be fabulous parents. They live within an hour away too, so they can be there for all of the milestones of the pregnancy. I am so excited to begin this process again for them, and I am trying really hard not to let last time spoil this excitement.

So, back to the board with all of the medications/injections/etc! We are transferring 2 frozen embryos March 21st (less than a week away)!!! Crossing fingers, toes, and everything else that this time will be different....

My last post...

With tears in my eyes and a sunken heart I have to say this will be my last post. It was found from our amnio result that this baby boy has Down's Syndrome. It was a surprise to all because all of the ultrasounds so far have shown perfect growth and no markers for any problems at all (besides for the higher reading on the NT screen). Kendra and Tony have decided that they want to terminate this pregnancy. I have pleaded, I have begged, I do not believe this is the right decision for this baby. In my heart, I know that he could have a fulfilling and loving life, despite his set-backs and handicaps. I know that Down's babies can be the most loving and cheerful children, and can bring so much into the lives they touch. If it were my choice I would have this baby and find a warm and loving adoptive family for him that would be prepared to deal with the special care he would need. But this is not my choice :( Instead, I go Monday morning to begin the 2 day process of ending this pregnancy. I am horrified and saddened. I have been feeling him move around for a short while now, and this little baby has no idea that he is different or may have problems. It is killing me inside to know that I am spending the last few days of his life with him, and that I will have to be there with him when it ends. It is gut-wrenching. I never imagined in a million years I would be in this position. I feel as if I am being punished for just trying to bring something good and joyful into this world. This is and will be my deepest regret in life. I wish and wish that in my contract phase I would have had the foresight to know how this would feel, and I wish I had changed my stance on termination. I had thought from the beginning that it is not my baby, so it should not be my decision. But after feeling this little guy squirm around inside me and after everything I have done for him to allow him to grow and be healthy, I can't help but feel that a part of me will die along with him.
I truly appreciate all of the love and support I have received from everyone around me. You all have made me a stronger person and have gotten me through all of the hurdles and challenges that have come along with this journey. I only wish from the bottom of my soul that this could end in a different way. But I guess I am just a passenger along for this ride :(

I got a wonderful (and delicious) surprise from Kendra and Tony last week (see picture)! And I also included a little snapshot from when the baby was 11 weeks old (truly outdated by now - it has grown a lot since then - but cute nonetheless!) BUT, to say things are going smoothly would have to be a lie! These past couple of weeks have been the most extreme roller-coaster of emotions possible! It all started last Monday when I went for the first trimester downs screening (the NT scan) which is an ultrasound to measure the thickness of the fluid on the back of the baby's neck and it is also combined with a blood test to determine the baby's risk for chromosomal disorders. Typically people will get like a 1 in 10,000 (or some other high number) risk for something wrong. Well, we get the ultrasound done and then meet with the "genetecist" (contracted out from my OBs office) and she was like, "Well, from what we are seeing this baby has a 1 in 2 chance of having a chromosomal problem, and even if the chromosomes end up being normal, only a 17% chance of making it to delivery without dying in utero". This doctor was cold, matter-of-fact and totally lacked any spark of compassion or personality. It was just me and Kendra because Tony was out of town, and we both look at each other and she starts to cry. Fighting back tears myself, I try to concentrate on what the doctor is telling us, and try to figure out what it all means. This doctor stated that she believed we did not need a second opinion (and suggested that by getting one we were just trying to get somebody to lie to us tell us the baby was fine) and said we should go straight to having an amnio, if the baby even survived that long. :( It was a nightmare - the worst news ever. She wouldn't write down the information she was giving us because she didn't want us to go on the internet and get wrong information, so she just said if we had any questions to just ask her right then. YEAH - that's easy - you've just been dumped on with terrible news and are expected to know what to ask - stupid doctor. So we had the choice of scheduling the amnio with her or with Evanston hospital, so I went with Evanston. I scheduled it and like 20 minutes later they called me back and said that based on the results that got sent over from my OB, they didn't feel comfortable going straight to an amnio (which has a 1 in 150 or 200 risk of causing a miscarriage ... the geneticist told us it was 1 in 1600 - totally wrong information). So they had me come in the following day for a level II ultrasound just to make sure. And lo and behold, that doctor had absolutely no basis for making that diagnosis, and not only that, the levels they measured fall into a NORMAL category. They are the high end of normal, but nonetheless normal. This is shocking to me - can you believe that a doctor that you are supposed to trust can make such a huge error in reading results?? And had the hospital not questioned it, we would have went on to have the amnio and possibly risked the life of the baby for nothing. It just makes me sick to know that we were given incorrect information, and in such a horrible manner. We found out from Kendra's fertility doctor that this specific genetecist has a 60% termination rate with her patients, which is absolutely outrageous. We are all so upset. Anyways, I guess the moral of the story is to never trust a doctor and always second guess things that don't seem right. We are currently in the process of talking with the doctors of my OB office and we are going to meet face to face to discuss this "genetecist" and her practices. I feel as if we are in good hands now, but what about the hundreds of other women this doctor treats and may or may not give mis-information to? It is scary - heartbreaking. So we will see what (if anything) can be done to prevent this from happening to others.

Of course we are not totally out of the woods yet. Since the measurements were on the high end (after going to Evanston and getting our bloodwork back, our risk came back at 1 in 108 of having a chromosomal problem - similar to what the odds would be for a 39 year old, even though Kendra was only 32 when the embryo was created). But it certainly isn't the dire situation that the first doctor had said. The baby went from having a 50% chance of having something be wrong at that first appointment, down to 1% - pretty drastic if you ask me!!!

So after much discussion with eachother and with all of the doctors, Kendra and Tony have decided to go ahead with the amnio. It is extremely hard to shake that awful news we originally recieved (even though our current doctor insists that the original diagnosis was incorrect), and they just are hoping to receive good news from the amnio and we can all go on to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy, and if the results come back not what we are hoping for, at least they can prepare for what is to come. But for sure they will have answers by the end of next week (and will know the sex of the baby for sure!! At least something fun to get out of a not so fun experience!). We are all just praying and hoping for the best at this point.

Crazy News....

So at my last appointment Kendra and Tony shared with me some news....

she is pregnant!!

I didn't post it then because I thought I would wait until she got past the point of her last miscarriages, and she just had an ultrasound and everything is looking good. So it is safe to say she will be having 2 babies 1 month apart from eachother... how crazy is that!!!
Of course the news was shocking to them and me as well. At first I just felt bad, like that they really don't need me here. I mean, I wanted to have a baby for a couple who couldn't have one themselves, and here we are! And for everything they have spent financially and emotionally to get me pregnant for them, it seemed kind of to be a waste if they didn't need to do this after all.
But it seems that maybe her body was able to get pregnant because after these past few years struggling with trying to have a baby, she was finally able to just relax knowing that they had one little bun in the oven growing away. It will be really awesome to see this all unfold. I can't begin to imagine what it will be like for them bringing home a newborn from the hospital and being 9 months pregnant... it will definitely be a challenge, but I am sure once they get their 2 little ones home safe and sound it will be just wonderful. So they will be getting their twins (sort of!) after all :)
Because of her blood clotting issue (which is why they didn't use their own embryos on themselves) they are monitoring her blood closely and will medicate if necessary to keep the baby safely put, but it seems like everything is going okay so far, so that is good. So it won't be exactly the journey I was expecting, but I guess the only thing better than getting one baby out of this situation, is getting two! And the greatest thing of all is that the baby I am having for them will have a sibling, which is truly wonderful and makes me happy!

11 weeks...

So we had an ultrasound at 11 weeks this past weekend. The baby is getting so cute :) Tony and Kendra were both able to be there - it was fun to see Tony's reaction, since this is the first time he has "seen" the baby! Everything is moving right along. The bleeding area is totally gone (thank goodness!), and I am now off every single one of the medications (FREEDOM!!) and off any restrictions. It feels great to finally be done with everything and go on to a normal pregnancy schedule. The medications were really starting to wear on me, so it is a relief to be done. However, the whole area where I had to do all of those awful injections is numb and achy at the same time. I don't know how long this will last - hopefully not permanent!! It is really strange because I have been off the injections for a couple weeks now. The good news is I think I am getting my energy back and morning sickness is subsiding (knock on wood!!). 2 days of feeling pretty great - I hope it continues! I haven't had a headache in a few days either, so I am thinking I am on my way to 2nd trimester bliss - haha :) Couldn't come soon enough!