Sunday, March 14, 2010

Try, try again...

Well, when I had written the last post back in August, I really thought that would be the end to this blog. I was heartbroken, horribly sad, and just overwhelmed with the feeling that I had done something terribly wrong. The whole termination process was extremely physically painful, and of course took a real emotional toll on me. But after healing and taking time to think about why I had gotten myself into that situation to begin with (as in, why I wanted to be a surrogate), I realized I could not end the period in my life having babies with such a tragic experience. I just felt I could do better. So, I decided to get back in the saddle and do another surrogacy.

Many people in my life are not too happy about this decision. Some say that I should have learned my lesson (!!!!), that I should just move on and realize that having children shouldn't be "forced" and that there are reasons certain people do not/cannot have children. I wholeheartedly disagree with these statements. I think it's an utter shame that people could even for a second believe that surrogacy is a bad thing and make judgements on others not so fortunate with their fertility. Yes, bad things can happen (don't we all now know!), but that doesn't mean that EVERY surrogacy ends badly, and that most certainly doesn't mean that just because I had one bad experience, people out there who desperately want children and can't shouldn't be afforded the chance to be parents. The majority of people in my life, the ones who know and care about me, do not want to see me go through what I went through before. But are willing to support me if this is something I feel I must do. And this IS something I feel I must do! I feel I have the opportunity to do something extraordinary for somebody, and I owe it to myself and to my little surro-angel baby, who I was responsible for not only helping bring into this world but take him out, to do so. I know I can do better! And what some people don't understand is that surrogacy makes me a better person. It makes me a better mom because it makes me appreciate (even more-so than I already did) how lucky and fortunate I am to have all of these incredible moments with my own children. It makes me a better wife because I see how amazing and wonderful Brandon is for supporting me with everything I do - and makes me want to do the same for him. And it makes me a better person, because knowing I am doing something good for somebody else and sacrificing parts of myself for someone makes me feel fulfilled. And if God forbid something terrible happens again, okay then. I will walk away from surrogacy and know I gave it my best. But I do believe I have a purpose here and I need to give it just one more shot.

So back in January I got matched with another couple through the agency I was with prior. The reason they chose this couple for me is because they are on the same page as me as far as terminating. It is in my contract that I will not terminate for Down's again, and the couple I am doing this for agree that they do not believe that is something worth ending a babies life for. They are absolutely wonderful! Brandon and me both think they are just an awesome down-to-earth interesting couple who you can tell will be fabulous parents. They live within an hour away too, so they can be there for all of the milestones of the pregnancy. I am so excited to begin this process again for them, and I am trying really hard not to let last time spoil this excitement.

So, back to the board with all of the medications/injections/etc! We are transferring 2 frozen embryos March 21st (less than a week away)!!! Crossing fingers, toes, and everything else that this time will be different....

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations on your new journey! I can't imagine how heartbreaking that experience must have been for you. I recently came across the most beautiful birth story about a little girl with Down's Syndrome Be sure to have Kleenex handy. I'm right behind you for transfer, ours is 3/25. Sticky, positive thoughts for all!