Friday, November 5, 2010

A special Homecoming & my last post...

The babies are HOME!!! :) They made their journey into the real world Friday the 12th of November. I am overwhelmed with happiness for Ann and Joe and their families. What a joyous day! AND they got to come home together which I think must be some sort of small blessing. With Liam having his surgery I had always thought he would have to spend more time in the NICU. Maybe Luke was waiting for his brother because he didn't want to leave him behind :) We got to go over and visit and they look so content being home with mom and dad. And for the first time we got to see what they actually look like without the tubes and monitors. I didn't think they could get much cuter, but of course they always surprise me with how they continue to get more and more adorable :) Leo and Carmela FINALLY got to see the outcome of those months of my big belly! They were cute with the babies - petting their heads and unintentionally poking them, in a nice way of course - lol. Leo just keeps talking about when they get bigger and can come play with him and go to school with him! There were many times along the way where it was unknown what the outcome would be, so the fact that both babies are home and healthy is such a relief.

So I come to the end of this journey. As for me, I question what the future will hold. I am pretty sure I wouldn't qualify to be a surrogate again, what with having delivered at 30 weeks, and also having 3 c-sections under my belt (or belly I guess!). Many people lately have been questioning my emotional state after having the babies. I know it seems hard to believe or understand, but I truly have no "maternal" bond to the babies. I don't feel any sadness that they are no longer with me, but rather a happiness that they are where they were meant to be all along. I guess the best way to describe it is that I feel like they are my nephews. I love and care for them deeply and only want the best for them, but I know and feel that they are not mine. This became perfectly clear to me the first time I got to see them in the hospital. They were tiny and seemingly fragile and Ann told me I could reach my hand in their isolette and touch them. I did, and really just agitated them and felt a little uncomfortable about it. I felt sad because I had taken care of them for so long, and now I didn't know how to comfort them and help them. But then Ann put her hand in the isolette and knew exactly where and how to lay her hand over the babies. I know this because as soon as she touched them, they immediately relaxed and became peaceful. That was amazing! It proved to me (even though I already knew this) that being a mom and having a mother's instinct/connection has nothing whatsoever to do with carrying the babies! Being a mom is SO much more than that.

I am so thankful to have gotten the opportunity to be able to do this. All in all, rough patches and smooth sailing, the happy ending I was dreaming of helping to create for the past two years is here! And there are 2 very special people (and 2 special babies) that I want to thank for giving me that chance.

Dear Ann and Joe,
Seeing you both at home with your babies has to be one of the best feelings I have had in a long time. It seems crazy to think that we met less than a year ago, and here we are 11 months later and you are holding the 2 most precious things that will forever change your lives! I am so thankful for getting the opportunity to be a part of this. Brandon and me knew the day we met you guys that you would be awesome parents - it's just a feeling that you conveyed with your words and actions how deeply you wanted children. This feeling was confirmed every step of the way. It was so strange how the whole journey unfolded and fell into place - it seemed every detail came to be by fate. I feel like Luke and Liam were in the works long before any of us had ever even thought about it. They were meant to be here with you.

You have both been an inspiration to me. You have such an unconditional love for everyone/everything in your lives and you are so accepting and grateful for everything life has dealt to you, both the good and the bad. Just from the short conversations I have had at your baby showers with the people who know and love you best, it is clear how generous and genuine you are. You have touched so many people's lives and that is shown by the wonderful people that surround you! You so deserve to have your own family you wished for. Everyone I talked to said the same thing to me. "You couldn't be doing this for a better or more deserving couple." And I couldn't agree more! I love you guys and I hope you enjoy every moment with your little angels. Thank you for inviting me and my whole family into your lives. I hope we can continue to be a part of your life so that we can see what wonderful and caring young men you will raise :)

Dear Luke and Liam,
If you ever have the opportunity to read this blog, I want you to know that the both of you have a very special place in my heart. You are courageous and strong fighters, and I want you to know you can be anything and do anything you set your mind out to. You have a mom and dad that love you more than the world, and have loved you far before I got the opportunity to meet you. You are so very lucky to have the family that you do - they have prayed and waited so long to have you both. I loved getting to help bring you to them - even in the most uncomfortable of times, you were both a joy to carry around! Luke, you were comfy cozy the way you were (you settled in head first and never budged) but there wasn't a moment of the day I worried about you because you were constantly pushing, kicking, squirming! You definitely didn't want to be messed with. My son Leo would always lay his head on my belly over you and you would kick him off every time- lol! Liam, you were a funny little guy because although you were constantly moving and changing position, I very rarely felt you move at all. You must be the sneaky one - watch out mom and dad! You are full of surprises - everyone was so concerned over your health and well-being once we found out you needed surgery when you were born. You sure showed them! You soared over all of your hurdles like nothing :) You are a very determined little man and I know that will allow you to excel in whatever you do in life.

Although you are both still so tiny, you have taught me so many things! Through this experience I have learned to trust my heart and to have the courage to follow what I believe in, despite what others may say. You have taught me to appreciate every single moment and never take things for granted, and that miracles do happen! I feel I am a stronger person for having been a small part of your lives, and I am thankful for that. I can't wait to see what amazing things you will both accomplish in your lives. We all love you both very much, and I know with the support team you have behind you that you have everything you could ever need, but please know we are always here for you no matter what!! :)

A while back after visiting with her boys, Ann sent me a text that said "I love them so much, it makes my heart hurt". Isn't that exactly the feeling of being a parent, if you could capture the feeling with words? I thought to myself, Yes! And being able to allow someone to feel this, that small but profound phrase, THAT is why I am/was/will always be in my heart, a surrogate.

Monday, November 1, 2010

A visit with the boys...

Can I take a moment to brag on my little surro-boys?? :) They are SERIOUSLY cute and growing so fast! We went for a visit this past week and they are just a month old. In the picture of Ann and me holding both of them, I have Liam (on the left) and she has Luke (on the right). The shy boy with his hand to the camera is Luke - it's so funny because in all of the ultrasounds he always had his hand up to his face, as if to say he wants to be left alone :) And in the bottom picture I'm holding Luke. They are doing so wonderfully - they are both almost at 5 pounds, taking bottles, and I believe in the past couple of days since seeing them they have had their nose-buds (that give them extra oxygen) taken out, and also their supplemental feeding tubes removed as they are taking bottles like champs :) I am so proud of how great they are doing - I am really hopeful for them that they will make their way home within a couple weeks! And even with his surgery, little Liam is keeping up with Luke in weight and all of his milestones.

This visit was the first time I got to hold them, so of course it was very exciting!! It is really difficult to go through a pregnancy and deliver babies and not be able to hold them - and that is coming from a surrogate's point of view. I can't imagine how hard that would be to be the parent and not get to hold your child immediately. Something so simple, yet so easily taken for granted when you have had full term babies. But all of this waiting and patience will pay off - it will just be that much more exciting when they get to go home! It's amazing how simply holding a tiny baby can make you feel so at peace. They are so very precious - you can't help but not want to put them down. I can't believe it has already been a month since I was carrying them around, but yet it seems like they have been here forever all at the same time.

As for me, my incision is *finally* fully healed, so I feel fantastic. It was really bothering me having all of those problems. I have a pound or two to go to get back to pre-pregnancy, and am already back in all my old clothes (yay for that!!). It's amazing what not having a newborn to take care of can do for recovery - lol! Pumping is going much better. It's not nearly as painful anymore and I feel like I have gotten the hang of it. I can't quite produce enough to cover both of the boys feedings, but definitely the majority so I feel good about that. I really have no idea how moms out there pump for months and months (who have trouble nursing) AND have to then feed their babies what they pump. That would be utterly exhausting... I have a newfound appreciation for these women for sure! Really I have a new appreciation for ALL of the people that are involved with pregnancy and babies. I have met some amazing doctors, nurses, and hospital staff throughout this journey - such caring and genuine people who truly just want to help. It takes someone with a special heart to be able to so deeply care for the tiniest of patients and give them the best chance at life possible! It restores a lot of my faith in people in general that I had temporarily lost with my first journey. And because of these wonderful people, hopefully my next post will be that the boys are home!! :)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Update on the boys...

So here we are 1 week and 2 days after the birth of the babies! I can't believe it was only a week ago - it seems like forever ago I was carrying around these little buggers. So much has happened in a week! Liam got his surgery the Monday following his birth and it went perfectly (the top picture was taken afterwords). They didn't find anything else that would complicate things and it seemed to be a fairly easy and common procedure. Just like I thought he would, he came through it like nothing! Strong boy! He is 3 lbs. 10 oz. now and they are going to put him on a feeding tube tomorrow. The next picture is Liam and then Luke at 1 week 2 days. Simply put, they are absolutely adorable! Luke has been doing great too - he is now breathing all on his own and is 3 lbs 14 oz. and has been taking milk. Because the boys were both premature, I knew how much of a benefit breastmilk would be to them, so I offered to pump for them. It has been quite an experience - the first few days were really difficult, as you have to do it every 2 hours (even at night!) which can be really frustrating when you aren't getting much output. It is also much more difficult to establish a supply with pumping as opposed to breastfeeding (not to mention getting up in the middle of the night to a cold pump instead of a cuddly baby - not so easy!), but I think I am getting a hang of it now and it is going much better. I am happy I am able to still do something to help them. I have been freezing it in small portions and each morning Ann and Joe pick it up and bring it to the hospital - they are splitting it in half so that Liam can get his share too. They aren't able to actually drink from bottles until they are "technically" 32 weeks, so starting next week maybe they can begin to introduce the bottle. Once they can drink on their own, I believe they can be cleared to go home - that is so exciting! I don't think I will feel like my journey here is complete until they are both home and safe, and the way they are going that seems like it will happen in the near future.

As for me, well, this hasn't been the easiest day. I started having a problem with my incision from the c-section and ended up going back to the hospital to have them check it out today. The doctor said there was fluid under it in the center and had to reopen it, push out the fluid, and stuff it with gauze. I nearly passed out on the table as she was doing this - totally gross! The worst part of it is that they have to send a home nurse out to me so she can teach Brandon how to change the gauze every day for the next week - blech!!!! He is actually out of town for a couple days here, so she will have to come and do it for the time being. Her initial response was "Well, don't you have any neighbors or friends who could learn how to do it??". Ummmmm - no! Can you imagine me asking "Hey, so and so, yeahhhh, can you come over and take out and stuff gauze into my c-section wound for a week??". Yeah, not going to happen. I'm pretty sure Brandon will have a rough enough time - it seems pretty gross to me. I don't think I could put that task on anyone else but him. He has been really patient with me and trying to help out. And I feel a little bad for him, because for now I am spending way more time with my pump than him - lol! :)

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A BIG change in plans...and a birth story!

For once I was quite the optimist while writing my last post just two weeks ago that we could get these babies to full term! Everything was going along just fine. So yesterday at our 30 week appointment we all arrived not expecting too much. They did an ultrasound, and Liam's fluid levels were actually going down (which was unexpected and exciting!). They did a growth check and both babies were estimated at just under 4 pounds each. And I was feeling really good and not having any regular or painful contractions. So it was all great news and we were all thinking that making it to 35 or 36 weeks wouldn't be a problem at all!! Just before we left the office though they brought me back quick into a room and did an internal exam, just to make sure there weren't any changes from the previous check two weeks prior. That is where things started to go in a different direction!

So the doctor decided that my cervix was dilated to 1, which can be perfectly normal at this point and not mean anything significant, but that it was shortening slightly. So just to be on the very safe side (because she truly believed that the babies wouldn't be coming ANY time soon!), she decided to send us down to Labor and Delivery and do a non-stress test on the babies to monitor any contractions. So we go down with me in a wheelchair, which I thought was a bit ridiculous. I mean, did they really have to do this all? We still have at LEAST 4 weeks left! They even put us in a back room that they claimed they only put patients that they didn't plan on having sticking around very long in. This all along reassuring us that they would do a quick scan and let us be on our way.

So the contraction monitor was picking up some minor contractions that I wasn't even feeling and I was thinking maybe it was just the babies moving around causing the fluctuations. Especially because every single time they adjusted Luke's heart monitor, he would find it with a hand or foot and literally bump it off my stomach! They also did another cervix check which showed no change from earlier, but they decided it would be best to just be on the safe side, once again, and start a dosage of steroid shots which would help the boys lungs to develop more quickly. The only thing with this is that there are 2 doses they give 24 hours apart. So that meant they were going to monitor me for 24 hours. Well, that didn't seem to be the worst thing and it was reassuring to know that at least we were giving the boys a better chance at birth, no matter when that would occur. So I call Brandon and tell him to plan for me to be gone until the next day, when they said I could get the second dose and then drive myself home. Several hours after this they did another internal check and said I was now dilated to a two. But I still wasn't feeling any of the contractions. So they decided to start a course of 4 pills 20 minutes apart to stop the contractions. Yes, the ones I wasn't feeling and also when questioned by the actual OB, I felt really foolish because I still could not distinguish the contractions from baby movements. By now we are going into the afternoon (my original appointment was at 8:45 in the morning) and the whole day is sort of turning into a blur. They wouldn't let me eat anything because, yet AGAIN, to be on the safe side they wanted my contractions to stop first. I am also on a terribly uncomfortable delivery bed, but they assured me that once the contractions had stopped they could move me to an actual room and give me food. By now the starvation is setting in. I had a banana at like 6:30 in the morning and had nothing since thinking that I would stop and grab something after our appointment in the morning. So they eventually told us the contractions were about 4 minutes apart, and now I am feeling them, although still not too intense or painful. After starting a different medication to try and stop the contractions is when I REALLY started to feel them (and was a bit confused - this medication was supposed to stop them, wasn't it??). But no, full on contractions and that's when my back started to get intense sharp pains. Still in denial that I was going into labor, I convinced myself that it was just from lying in this incredibly uncomfortable bed. I was thinking, come on doctors, this is just a mistake! Just give me a comfy bed, maybe some crackers or something, and all of this will stop! But eventually i was forced to come to terms that I was feeling the contractions all over and in my back causing the pain. The next check (now going on 9:30) showed that I was dilated to a 3, contractions every 2 minutes, and they were sending in someone from the NICU to talk to us!!

I think we were all tired and sort of in a daze of where the day had taken us. It took a while to sink in that this was it! So the phone calls began. "ummm, Brandon, you know when I said I was coming home tomorrow, well not so much! The babies are coming out tonight. Get here ASAP!!" Luckily we were able to get Brandon's mom to be at our house while the kids were sleeping and Brandon and my parents were headed down to meet us. It didn't even dawn on me to ask him to bring me anything I might need for my hospital stay, because remember I wasn't supposed to even be at this point for several more weeks! He did bring a backpack so I thought, great! he brought me some things. But apparently he was in a panic mode too and ended up bringing an empty backpack ;) Because he was over an hour away we weren't sure if he would make it in time, but luckily we were able to wait until he arrived to suit up and get prepped.

Although this was not at all the delivery I was thinking of for these babies, it actually turned out to be quite an amazing experience. They allowed Brandon to be by my side for the c-section which was really wonderful because he was able to talk to me throughout the whole thing and hold my hand. Ann and Joe got to watch from a window right in the room as well, so they got to be together and watch the birth of their babies :) Out of the 3 c-sections I have had, this was by far the easiest and least painful. The problem is behind that sheet and strapped to a table, you have no idea what is going on. But to my wonderful surprise each baby let out the most beautiful tiny crying noise as they came out. I wasn't expecting to hear them cry because of how little they both were, but that sound alone eased every anxiety I had about being in surgery. They were immediately taken over to Ann and Joe and I was so happy they were able to be with them while Brandon stayed with me. It was the perfect transition! I got all stitched up and sent to recovery and Ann and Joe were able to eventually go up to the NICU where the babies were brought to (even though they both cried, they had some difficulty breathing and needed to have tubes put in) and my parents went with them with their camera. Because again we weren't expecting this, Ann and Joe didn't even have a camera with them, so this worked out great!

So the stats (I think! I need to reconfirm, but): Luke born at 12:07 am at 3 lbs 11 oz, Liam born at 12:08 am at 3 lbs 8 oz. These are great weights for babies only at 30 weeks! I didn't get to see them because I didn't get released from recovery until 4:30 am - so at that point Brandon and me were exhausted and went right to sleep. So there I am laying in a bed and the experience is over! Incredible - and pretty surreal to think I came in the morning thinking nothing of it and now there are two new babies in this world being cared for and I am no longer pregnant!

This has been an incredibly long and crazy journey. I first started the process over 2 years ago, right after Carmela was born. And here we are, literally years later, and I finally achieved the ending I had hoped for all along. I know this is what I was meant to do. I know the meaning of why I had to go through my first surrogacy journey, and I truly believe I had to go through that to be able to get to the point of meeting Ann and Joe and being the one to help bring Luke and Liam into the world. They are beautiful and perfect little babies and we were meant to go through this together. Although I do have guilt that I wasn't able to get them to full term, I believe they came when they were supposed to and everything happening now is just meant to be. And once again thankful that things turned out how they did. Being here at the hospital when labor started allowed us to get that steroid shot in to help them and we were in the best location possible for all of this to happen.

So here I am sitting in my hospital room - everything is so quiet! This has been like a mini-vacation for me :) People bringing me food, getting to actually read a book and watch TV, going to the bathroom (gasp) by myself!! Haha - I do miss Leo and Carmela (and Brandon) terribly, but this is a really relaxing way to recover and I can't wait to get back to them and get back to my "normal" life :) I also hopefully will get to see the babies this morning. I haven't been able to yet because of trying to just recover from surgery yesterday, but today I feel wonderful and can't wait to get to see in person these little lives who will always have a piece of my heart! I did get news yesterday that Luke started breathing on his own, although it doesn't surprise me he is a fighter - he's been showing all his moves on my ribs and stomach for the past couple of months now :) And Liam's condition is looking much more promising than we originally thought. There is no actual separation or blockage in stomach - just a narrowing of the tube. So hopefully that will just be an easy fix and he can be on his way too. They aren't able to actually feed them a bottle for another 2 weeks because they are still too little, but I know that once they start getting the nutrition they need, they will both get out of here quickly - they want to be home with their mom and dad!!!

I feel very blessed right now. I feel honored to have been a part of this experience and that I was trusted so greatly by Ann and Joe to allow me to take part in something so personal and special to them. I can finally say that I was able to help create a family, and there are not many things in life you can do like this that will possibly go on forever and ever, as they grow older and create their own families and so on and so on. And the only way I was able to do this at all is because of the amazing support and help from just about everyone in my life. Everyone who has offered their prayers and good thoughts all along - this has helped more than anyone could know, especially during the challenging times we have gone through. My parents love and helping hand throughout the whole thing (not to mention the understanding when I could not be contributing at work so much, and my mom took on the demanding task of watching my babies while I was taking care of Luke and Liam) gave me the ability to devote a lot of time and attention to the pregnancy, especially when the not so good news came our way. My kids who accepted the fact that mommy couldn't do all the fun stuff we normally do together because I was carrying around babies (plus them kissing my belly and talking about them all the time, knowing that they weren't coming home with us). And most especially Brandon. Husbands kind of get the short end of the stick when it comes to pregnancy, especially when the baby isn't theirs! He put up with my moodswings, impatience, picked up the slack when I was just too exhausted to clean and cook, and even helped me get over the fear of having to give myself injections of medications! He was on board with me from the very beginning and never questioned my feelings that this was something I wanted to do, and without him and his constant support, I could never have gone through this for the past years. It has showed me an amazing side of him that makes me love him even more!! So they say it takes a village to raise a child.... well it takes a village and more to create lives through surrogacy, and each person plays an integral role. I have enjoyed very much sharing this experience through this blog, and I plan to still make posts updating on the twins until they are both home and healthy. If you have made it to the end of this post (I know it is forever long!) thank you for taking interest in this part of my life. It has been sad at times, tragic at others, but has also been fun, interesting, and incredible, all at the same time. I love you all for going through it all with me!!!!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Third Trimester!

It's official - third trimester is here :) The light at the end of the tunnel is faintly glowing in the distance! We have been really busy with appointments for these little guys. Our weekly ultrasounds so far have been going really good though (knock on wood). We haven't had to have any fluid removed yet, which is fantastic. Anything to avoid extra risks placed on this pregnancy is welcome! My cervix is still where it should be, and contractions have been pretty minimal, so no signs of going into preterm labor anytime soon. Today at our ultrasound we also got to meet with one of the Neonatologists (pediatrician that works in the baby intensive care unit) and also with the Perinatal support team. Everyone at Evanston has been absolutely wonderful. They seem to have a really great support system set up for the families that go through them. They also took the time today to give us a tour of the NICU. Some of the tiniest sweetest babies you have ever seen were in there - little miracles! Although it is sad to know that Liam will be one of those sweet little babies, it is really comforting to know that he will be taken care of in such a great facility. My big hope is that we can get far along enough - at least 35 weeks - so that brother Luke doesn't have to be put there as well. 7 weeks! That seems manageable enough. It reminds me of a quote "Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs," Henry Ford. It is really true. Being pregnant with twins is hard. My stomach feels like it can't possibly budge another inch (but I know it will), I can't sleep - when I lay down my hips feel like they are going to split (but I know they won't), and most of the time when I walk I feel like I am going to pee myself each step (okay, this might eventually unfortunately happen) :) But to divide it up (by trimester, by month, by week), it makes it so much more manageable. And knowing each week we check off means giving the boys a better and better chance of doing well just makes it that much more appreciated. I mean 7 weeks is like, nothing. I can handle anything for that short amount of time (right??!!)!

It also has become more clear to me today than before that with the ending of this pregnancy, my role will be finished. Where I leave off is where the work for Ann and Joe truly begins. Part of this is a relief to me. It is a pretty heavy responsibility having somebody's future and family placed in your hands (or in your womb as the case may be!). I know it must also be incredibly stressful being the parents and having to trust something so absolutely important to you in another person's care. Knowing this, I have taken care of these babies so far as if they were my own. I have invested a lot of myself into this pregnancy and care about their wellbeing no differently than I did for my own kids. So the down side to the end for me is that in the matter of a day, whenever that day may happen, I will go from taking complete care of the babies, to just being a bystander. Which is okay - it will just be a strange transition for all of us. And of course most especially for Ann and Joe, as they will begin their new life with caring for TWO babies ;)

People sure are funny though! I have been asked at least 3 times (after explaining that I am a surrogate carrying twins) if the parents want both of them. Really?!! I mean, seriously, this isn't like a puppy mill or something, where I deliver and the parents get the pick of the litter - lol! This question always takes me by surprise. "No, the parents only want one of the babies. So when they are born, they will pick the best/cutest one and I get the leftover" - haha :) Of course there are certain people in my life that would love for this to happen (*cough* my mom and dad *cough cough*). I think they want as many grandchildren as they can get :) But seriously, that just seems like a ridiculous thing to think that maybe the parents wouldn't want both. I guess this question goes right up there with "Was this planned?". I haven't been asked this yet, but have heard of other surrogates being confronted with this well thought-out question. Because everyone knows there is always a risk while laying on a table for no reason in a fertility doctor's office that the doctor MAY just happen to be walking by with a dish of embryos and MAY slip and those embryos MIGHT just jump right in and set up shop, all accidentally of course :) :)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

a bump in the road....

Well, I have hesitated in posting about this because I have tried to make this a light-hearted positive blog, but the truth is we have gotten some not-so-fabulous news. Monday, and now 26 weeks along, we went for a typical growth ultrasound. I really didn't expect much from it. Since we have had so many ultrasounds and have never seen any problems I really thought we were in the clear. We did find out Luke is 2 lbs 4 oz and Liam is 2 lbs (great weights!), but then as the tech was scanning Liam, she told us she needed to talk to a doctor. She then sent us off to Evanston hospital to get a level II ultrasound done by a specialist just a few hours later. It turns out Liam has a duodenal atresia, or a blockage in or right after his stomach. For now, this means two things. First off, Liam will definitely need surgery as soon as he is born. Best case scenario he will have enough good colon that they can repair and reattach everything, and he will spend a few weeks recovering in the NICU. However, there is no way to know exactly how serious of a problem this is until they get in there and start the surgery. Second, this condition results in the production of way too much amniotic fluid. What this means for me is that I will now have to change OBs to the ones at Evanston hospital (because they have the ability to do the surgery there) and also I now go for weekly (or twice a week) ultrasounds at the hospital to determine the fluid levels for the remainder of the pregnancy. When they get too high they will have to remove fluid in a procedure very similar to an amnio. If they don't, I will go into preterm labor. This also can partially explain why I am so big, with all the extra fluid! He thought within the next couple of weeks he would have to remove approximately a liter or so, but he won't go through the risk of this procedure until he thinks it is absolutely necessary.

The other side of this condition is that we were told that in babies that have this, about 30% of them also have Down's Syndrome :*( I mean, seriously, is this happening again??!! What could the chances possibly be?? It's like horrible deja vu to hear those statistics. He did do a complete scan of Liam and didn't find any other markers for any other problems, but of course that doesn't exactly mean there is nothing else wrong. We were given the option of doing an amnio at the appointment, but because they will be removing fluid sometime soon anyhow, Ann decided to just wait until then. They can then just send that fluid off to be analyzed.

So that is where we are currently at. I have one more appointment this week with my OB where I can get all of my records and what-not, and then starting next week will be the weekly visits in Evanston. This is a very hard situation. I feel so incredibly awful that the parents are having to go through this. I know that this is not my fault, and there is nothing I could have done to prevent this. But after my last surrogacy and now this one, I can't help but feel like it has to be me. But the reality is that these things sometimes happen and it is not what anyone would hope for, but we have to find the positives in it. For one, it is a wonderful thing they were able to catch it this early. The main goal is to prevent preterm labor so that Liam can get to the biggest size/weight possible so he can tolerate his surgery. And we have the best doctors monitoring this now, so that is fabulous. We can all be as prepared as possible and meet with the surgeons and specialists before he is born. The other really positive thing is that we are all on board together to do whatever it takes for the babies. This is extremely important to me. My last surrogacy, I felt like it was just me fighting for a baby that wasn't even wanted by the parents. But this time around is very different. Liam is very much wanted and already loved, no matter what. And it is because of this that I truly have faith that he will pull through with flying colors and go on to be the happy healthy baby that I imagined him to be. He has an amazing support team behind him, and parents that already love and care about him more than anything in the world. AND he has an amazing brother who will be by his side for now and hopefully for the rest of his life.

So any spare prayers or good thoughts would be greatly appreciated. The next couple of months are going to be a little scary, but exciting nonetheless. Because no matter what, these little babies are on their way and will be here before anybody knows it. And that, in itself, is a special miracle to be thankful for :)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

24-25 weeks...

Lots of pictures to share from the last 2 weeks! Ann and Joe invited my family and my parents over to their house for dinner so we could see where these little boys are going to go home to, and to meet their two current fur-babies (2 sweet little dogs they adore). We had a very nice dinner and Leo and Carmela had a great time pointing out the things that needed child-proofing. Brandon and me think we should start a business renting out our kids to couples who are about to have a baby to figure out what they need to worry about in their home with children around. :) They have a great sense for the things they aren't supposed to touch - lol. But their home is beautiful and the most perfect place to raise their two boys - it will be so fun to watch it fill with baby gear as the time comes near.

Also some new belly shots just for fun from 24 and 24.5 weeks. It is wonderful that the pool season is over now, because I think my bathing suit is just about headed for a wardrobe malfunction. I used it for every inch it was worth - although I must admit at a pool full of pre-teen and teenage boys and girls, I swear I am a walking billboard for abstinence! I should wear a sign that states "this could happen to you!!" - haha. Their wide-eyed stares and whispering/pointing at me among their groups of friends pretty much says it all. You're welcome parents :)

We also went and got a 3D/4D ultrasound done. The first picture is Liam, the second is Luke. Sooo cute - they are really funny in there. Luke kept putting his hands in Liam's face and at one point one of the them had his butt right up in the other ones face. The woman doing the ultrasound said that the membrane between twins is really thin, and they actually are feeling/interacting with eachother. That is so cool!! It was awesome getting to see them bounce around together and get a glimpse of what is really going on in there.

It seems impossible to me that we still have about 12 more weeks to go! I just don't think I can get much bigger. But it will happen I know :) I believe starting next week is when the appointments will start getting a little more invasive - bi-weekly cervix checks, non-stress tests, and growth ultrasounds. One of the great things about right now is that we have reached viability!! The babies should be able to survive outside of the womb now, although with assistance. So now we must keep packing on the weeks to make sure their little lungs and organs develop as much as possible.

As for me, I need to find some alternatives for clothing. What do you do when elastic-waist pants and empire-waisted shirts no longer fit???!! Maternity clothing isn't panning out for me - the size I need for my belly versus the rest of me doesn't match up, so I am kinda at a loss of what's next. Is it really time already for the mu-mu's???? :) You know you're in trouble when you're working at the computer and go to stand up and your boobs are stuck to your belly, and your belly is stuck to your thighs... so hot, I know!!! :) :)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

22 weeks...

Not too very much to update, but we have hit the 22 week mark! We had an OB appointment, and the babies heartbeats were looking good, blood pressure good, weight....ehhhh. Actually not too bad - I have gained 16 pounds so far. At our last appointment I remember feeling shocked and appalled when they told me I was measuring 6 weeks ahead (that is, ahead of a normal singleton pregnancy). Well, the pregnancy karma gods have struck me, because now at 22 weeks I am measuring 33!!!!!!! No wonder I feel like I am at the end already (although far from it)! My back and hips are starting to ache, I can't breathe when I lay down, and this horrible debilitating cramp down my left butt cheek that strikes at the most inconvenient of times, sending me into a crippled hobble :) . Typical end-of-pregnancy types of things. But it is the strangers of the world who remind me, when claiming that it must be "any day now!", that no, it is not any day now!! Nor any week now. And barely any month now :) :) But definitely more than halfway there. And although the discomforts are settling in, I have to remember that this is not going to be easy from this point out and I need to just accept it. Because I do NOT want these babies coming out any time soon. I know I need to keep them cooking as long as possible. My biggest fear with twins is being born too early. So although this seems to be a complaining post, it truly is not. Because any type of symptom or pain that means the babies are growing and getting healthy, is one that I happily will take on for as long as it takes to get them into this world healthy and safe.
Even if that means I may not be able to fit in the shower much longer (Leo expressed his concerns about this to me yesterday) :)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Big ultrasound!

Today at 20 weeks was our big ultrasound (i.e. the 20 week growth ultrasound). Because it is twins we went for a level II, as opposed to a level I. The only difference between the two is the one we had is done by a specific doctor who is a specialist and takes a more thorough look at all of the organs (specifically the heart) and takes more time reading the measurements and what not. This is a really important milestone because at this point in pregnancy they can usually determine if there are going to be any major problems with the babies. Both babies are looking beautiful though so far!! Everything looked just how it should, they are both measuring right around the same, and both just under a pound each :) The second most important part of the ultrasound (but definitely the most FUN part) was getting to find out for sure the sexes.

So Ann and Joe are having twin...... BOYS!!!!!!!

So cute!!! It seems meant to be because Ann just had a feeling they were both boys from the very start and had names picked out for them already and everything. Mother's instinct!! The ultrasound was funny - it sort of looked like a mash-up of little baby parts. There were hands and feet flying around everywhere it seemed and they were both competing for camera time. They kept sneaking in on eachother's shots! So baby A, Luke, is apparently the calm one - he was pretty laid back and didn't move around too much. Baby B, Liam, is a squirmy one though! He looked like he was trying to do back flips the whole time.

They are both head down and in the exact same position. This would be fabulous news... if I weren't having a c-section. For me it doesn't matter what position they are in, which is kind of sad because this position is what women who are striving for a vaginal birth would hope for (although of course at any point they can flip). So I must be getting punched at the bottom and kicked at the top - I'm feeling them move around more and more each day and now anyone can feel them jump around from the outside.

It's so fun knowing what they are now. It makes it more real when you can at least label each of them with a gender and a name instead of just "the babies". It's fun to imagine both of the boys growing up together and to think of all of the things they are going to be able to share as brothers. They're already playmates too. As I am typing this they are bouncing around together! I think they're playing tag :)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

18 weeks...

We had another appointment today at 18 weeks. Measuring, however...... 24 weeks! And I am definitely starting to feel it. Little aches and pains here and there - some braxton hicks contractions already kicking in - and the most wonderful part of it all, little baby flutters :) Because one of the placentas is anterior, I know it will take much longer to feel the big kicks and punches, but these wiggles randomly throughout the day are subtle reminders that there are 2 tiny people in there :) I can see though how this is going to get really difficult in a hurry. It is getting harder to carry around Carmela now and waking up at least once a night to pee already.... well, let's just say knowing I am only just about halfway there does not make it easy! But it's going incredibly fast. My OB told us today that we can schedule the c-section for around 2 weeks before the due date, so that puts us at right before Thanksgiving. November!! That's only 4 months away! That's also assuming I won't go into labor before that point. After everything we have gone through to get to this point, that seems like a breeze.

So now that I'm showing, the random comments from strangers have begun (what fun!). I always thought it would be really cool to tell people that the babies I was carrying weren't mine. Turns out to be quite awkward though (who would've guessed)! One of my favorite responses so far was hysterical laughter. I kinda just looked at her and that's when she realized I wasn't joking. It was pretty embarrassing! I think people just don't know how to respond, and of course you can't blame them. It is a pretty unusual circumstance. Some people are really interested and ask a lot of questions, which I enjoy. This is something I am proud I am doing and I like to talk about it. It's the people that make the comments that I must be making a lot of money, that I'll never be able to hand over the babies, that I must be a glutton for punishment - these are the comments that sting a little. But taken with a grain of salt. I know why I am doing what I am doing and what I am capable of. So when somebody asks me when I am due and I respond that it's with twins, and they aren't my husbands ...... I always end up adding that they aren't mine either, but one day I think I'll just leave it with the first part and walk away :)

Friday, June 18, 2010

ultrasound update..

I was a complete wreck this morning. I have been obsessing over the fact that we didn't for sure hear both heartbeats last week, driving myself crazy that I haven't felt any baby movement yet, and basically set myself up to receive the news that one baby just didn't make it. I know I always get carried away with the "what-ifs" and the over-analyzing of things. I am surprised Brandon hasn't had me locked away at this point - I know he gets frustrated with me sometimes that I can't just relax. Stressing out isn't a good coping mechanism - I really need to get into a yoga class :) Anyhow I walked into the ultrasound with a massive headache and a knot in my stomach. BUT......
all is well (thank goodness!!!!!) and my theory that I can't trust my instincts has been proven once again!
Both babies are measuring right on - they were moving all around, and we found out that Baby "A" is a BOY!!!!!! Baby "B" didn't feel much like giving up the goods, so we will have to wait until our 20 week ultrasound to find out for sure on that one. I am thrilled for the parents that one is a boy. I think they were hoping for 2 boys (although of course would be happy either way), so I was thinking for sure it would end up being 2 girls, just because that's usually how those things turn out :) I am so happy for them though, and so happy for me that I can relax now and enjoy the fact that I am not sick anymore, and just be thankful. It's a good thing they don't have ultrasound machines available in stores, because I have no doubt that in one of my panicky moods I would run out and buy one - lol!
It is now time to de-stress and enjoy the weekend (Father's Day!) and celebrate with the 2 greatest dads ever in the world - my own and Brandon :)

Friday, June 11, 2010

Yay Second Trimester!!

Here's my little photo montage of the past few weeks of belly shots. First taken at 11weeks, 2nd at 12 weeks and the last one was taken today at 14 weeks 3 days. I am measuring at 18-19 weeks, hence the large belly for not being far along! And then a photo of the parents Joe and Ann, and the IG (intended Grandmother). We had a dinner at our house so that our families could all meet which went wonderfully. They brought really cute Blackhawks t-shirts for the kids (which are in high demand now!) and everyone got to spend some time getting to know eachother. I really wanted Leo to meet them especially, because he had been asking why my belly was so squishy. So I finally explained to him what is going on, that mommy is taking care of Mr. Joe and Miss Ann's babies until they are ready to come out. He asked how the babies got there (doctor put them there...end of story) and he wants to be there when they come out (if he only knew what would be happening, poor kid would be scarred for life!). He was really cute about it though - and at least he gets the point that they are not our babies and will not be coming home with us, which I am sure he is not too upset about. He asks how they are doing and what their names are going to be - he swears he saw one of the babies feet, which really was just my belly button sticking out kind of weird when I was laying down. The real details can be spared for him until a later (much later) time. He also decided that since my belly is fat because there are babies in there, maybe there are babies in my "boobies" too :) Haha - I guessed he's not used to my pregnancy-enhanced additions here :)

So here we are at 14 weeks 3 days - well into the 2nd Tri :) SOO happy to be here. Morning sickness is gone - hooray! My energy is coming back, although I do get tired more quickly than normal. So far it hasn't been nearly as bad as I was expecting with twins. Although I had a couple weeks where I thought I was knocking at death's door, I never did end up throwing up and am feeling pretty great now, so I feel pretty lucky. We had a doctor appointment today and we got to hear heartbeats. Well, I *think* we heard both. We got one at 147 and one at 153. But the doctor said this could have actually been from the same baby. Because they are probably right near eachother at this point, there is no real way to know. So we got to schedule an ultrasound for next Friday just to be sure they are both doing okay. And then 3 short weeks after that, our BIG ultrasound where we find out the sexes - that is such an exciting moment!

Time seems to be flying by. I am so glad I am feeling good at this point because I am really getting to start to enjoy the summer with the kids. Between picnics, parks, splashparks and pools, we are keeping pretty busy and enjoying every moment we get to spend outside. I love so much getting to spend so much time with them, watching them grow and enjoy things and just be kids. They remind me every day why I am doing what I'm doing. If I could even give a day of the joy of being a parent to somebody, I think that is pretty wonderful. So to be able to give two people a lifetime of getting to have these moments.... I just can't think of anything better!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

10 weeks!!

So at just over 10 weeks we got to have our first "normal" OB appointment. To my surprise we even got to schedule an ultrasound beforehand. The dad of the babies was there, but the mom couldn't be and I couldn't reschedule, so I brought my video camera and let him take a video of the ultrasound so I could put it up on YouTube. This way she could watch it while she is out of town. Technology is so amazing! Both little babies are just looking perfect - measuring right on, heartbeats in the 160s, and really just the cutest things you've ever seen in your life (hey, they're not mine, so I can brag!!) :) Getting an ultrasound at all is just an amazing experience, but to get to see 2 babies at the same time - it just takes my breath away! I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that there is more than one in there. My jeans, on the other hand, are not having a hard time believing there are two at all!! I'm already busting out, and we have 30 more weeks to go (yikes!). I'm trying to go for the "hey, I'll just unbutton and unzip my pants and pull my shirt down and no one will know" look, but I think it has already backfired on me a couple times out in public - oops. Guess it's time to pull out the glorious stretchy comfortable fat pants!

So lots of good things this week. I was feeling pretty rotten at the beginning of the week - tired and nauseous mostly. But today, I feel great! I just jinxed myself, I know. But my doctor said if I have gotten this far without throwing up I am in the clear and things should start getting a little less gross feeling. AND best news of all, I get to stop all my meds in 3 short days. FREEDOM!!! What a wonderful feeling knowing that I get to stop all the injections, patches, creams, pills...... ahhhh! I don't think I'll know what to do with myself all day not having a schedule of these things to follow. It will be wonderful!

I'm just so thankful things are going well so far. I truly need this to be a good experience, and knowing I am on my way now feels so incredibly uplifting. And I get to have the pleasure of chilling out with these 2 amazing little babies for the next 6 months or so... pretty lucky I think!!
Now if I can just get my emotions in check. I am not a very emotional person, but good lord, I not only find myself tearing up at commercials, songs, stories.... but come on now, crying at an episode (although a very moving one!) of Dora.... yeah, I need to get this in check. Darn hormones..... :)

Monday, April 26, 2010

7w6d.... chuggin' along...

There are the babies - although they still look like little blobs, they have grown so much the past couple of weeks!! :) They both measured 8 weeks exactly and one had a heart rate in the 160s and one in the 150s. ***cheering*** This appointment is a big deal to me! These first few weeks and appointments of a pregnancy always scare me and keep me on the edge. I think this is because when I had my miscarriage, I was thinking I was 11-12 weeks along and an ultrasound (after the doc. couldn't find the heartbeat via doppler) showed the baby had died at 9 weeks. Ironically, that was the only pregnancy I have had (out of 5 now!) that I didn't have any type of bleeding/cramping, and it was the only one where the baby just stopped growing. Everyone always told me "Oh, don't worry - if you have a miscarriage, you will definitely know it!". Well, I guess I proved that theory wrong, and now I always tend to expect the worst at this point because of that. I don't trust my instincts. I remember thinking when that happened that I must be a horrible mommy because my baby had died and I didn't even know it :( Even 5 years later it makes me cry remembering how that felt. I obviously know it wasn't my fault, but you can't help but feel like a failure when something you are solely responsible for doesn't make it. But seeing these babies growing right on schedule and having perfect heartbeats puts my soul at ease (at least until the next appointment!).

So, I am in the process of playing this little game I like to call "Morning Sickness..... or the Flu??". A few weeks ago I felt like death - really. It took all my strength just not to throw up and I would just cry thinking how could I possibly feel this way for several more MONTHS?? But then miraculously last week I woke up and felt pretty okay, and felt that way the whole week. At first, being the person I am, I decided that I was feeling better because something was going wrong with the babies. But an ultrasound last week showed that wasn't the case. So then I am thinking, well, OK, I was right - it WAS just the flu!! I still didn't feel great, but at least functional. Well, today I am getting the horrible yucky awful feeling back. So morning sickness.... or just the flu?? Hmmmm. I know the flu has been spreading like wildfire around here, and Leo has thrown up twice today, so I wouldn't be surprised. But maybe again I am just living in a dream world and this is just how it's going to be for a while. Either way I am just happy to be at this point right now. I think I only have a few weeks left of medications/injections and I should be released soon to my own OB so I can continue as if this is a normal pregnancy. So I have many things to look forward to in order to keep my spinning nauseous mind (and stomach) off of the fact that I feel like I may just die :) I mean, this feeling can't last forever....RIGHT??!!!

Monday, April 12, 2010

First Ultrasound...

So THERE'S the reason I have been feeling so awful this past week! I've been living in a cloud of denial that this nausea/achiness/crabiness was just the onset of the flu. But seeing these two little amazing sacs puts those thoughts of the flu to the back of my mind. It makes sense now :) I have also been so incredibly hungry. Pregnancy hunger is unlike any other. Sure, you may have just ate lunch an hour ago, but out of nowhere you feel as if you have been deprived of food for an entire week. And you must shove something, anything, into your mouth like NOW. And if you don't, you might just die of starvation right then and there. This hunger may result in waking up in the middle of the night for a bowl or cereal, or maybe sneaking into a bathroom stall while shopping with a friend to stuff a granola bar in your mouth (embarrassingly I have done both!). Now it is super early in pregnancy for me to be feeling these things - about 3 weeks sooner and twice as worse than I have had in any of my past pregnancies. But it's TWINS!! Twice the love, twice the magic, twice the sickness and twice the stretchmarks :)

The dad was there to share in today's news. He was so incredibly cute! He was just thrilled and kept trying to take a video on his phone of the ultrasound to text to his wife, asking all kinds of questions to the tech. With tears in his eyes he was able to call her and tell her what we saw. It is such an incredible experience to share with somebody, and when you can actually see in a person's eyes how much what you're doing means to them, it makes every little uncomfortable moment worth it.

Both sacs were measuring right on, and we even got to see a little flicker of a heartbeat in one! The tech said beforehand we would not see any heartbeat at all at this point, so that was a wonderful surprise! And we go back in a week just to check both heartbeats by ultrasound. I do have a 3mm SCH like I had the last time around, but it is already starting to clot up and heal, so I am not concerned about that right now. I brought the parents a gift of a book that shows pictures and images of a baby from conception to birth, and a calendar that will tell them every day what changes are happening for the baby. I was thinking maybe they would feel more a part of it if they knew exactly what was happening and when. I cannot wait for the next few months to hit all the fun milestones. Feeling TWO babies move around, getting to find out the sexes, planning for their arrival. It is going to be an incredible experience!! Don't get me wrong - carrying twins scares me to death! I know we are now at higher risk for all sorts of problems. But I am going to just take it a day at a time, and if there are bridges to cross I will do so when I need to. For now I am determined this will be a positive experience with the best outcome possible!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

(FINAL) Beta #3...

Alright - last (hopefully) bloodwork came back at 14,591!

That is great news - everything is going up and that is what should be happening. BUT (and of course isn't there always a "but").... starting this morning I have been having some cramping and bleeding :( This exact thing happened at almost the exact same time in my last surrogacy, and it ended up being a subchorionic hematoma. Once I stopped taking the baby aspirin last time it healed up and was fine. So I am stopping the aspirin today, increasing my progesterone injection to every other night instead of every third (oh my poor butt!), and hoping hoping praying that this is the same thing happening this time. Bleeding is extremely common in IVF pregnancies, so I am not too terribly concerned at this point. But I have orders to take it easy and notify the nurse if it gets worse. The one good thing that has come of it (I guess good??) is that I got to bump up my ultrasound from next Friday to next Monday. We probably won't get to see heartbeat(s) at that time because it is still early, but we should be able to see how many babies are in there!! A won't get to be there though because she will be in Germany, but J hopefully can make it. And then we can find out what this bleeding deal is about.

So much for coasting through this time! But what journey wouldn't be incredible without a few bumps along the way?? Although I am a hormonal mess (yeah, I've been acting pretty crazy these past few days - I admit!) I am striving to get to Monday without having a nervous breakdown :) One day at a time...

Monday, April 5, 2010

Beta #2....

So Beta#2 is officially in.....
Oh boy.... so I need to schedule one more blood draw this Thursday and then an ultrasound next Thursday. How oh how can I wait that long to see what's going on in there??? The nurse assured me on the phone as I semi-freaked out that I should not worry, should not compare my #s to other people online, and to just wait until the ultrasound because it can go any way at this point. So I can be carrying either one little bean or a litter and I am not supposed to WORRY??!! Crazy nurse lady - of course I am going to worry and compare my #s online - hehe :) What else would I do with my free moments during the day??! This is going to be one. long. week. until next Thursday, that is for sure!!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Beta #1 !!

So I pretty much knew going into today's appointment I was pregnant. Especially after taking the multitude of tests I have taken over the past week - I knew it would be "positive". But what I didn't know was the crazy Beta (the level of the pregnancy hormone in my blood) I would receive!! I waited nervously holding my cell phone all day long waiting for the call, only for the nurse to tell me.... (((drumroll please))) ...... 2014!!!!
Here is a summary of some betas that have been posted by other girls on the surrogacy forum I am a member of:


Singleton: 46, 72, 89, 97, 126, 226, 252, 298, 300, 342, 351, 376, 423, 430, 505, 526, 580, 699
Twins: 389, 766, 971, 1045, 1149, 1155, 1250, 1507, 1709, 2065, 2408
Trips: 473, 746, 801, 1129, 2085

Yeah - SCARY!!!! I have a repeat draw next Monday and then next Friday (to make sure my #s are doubling every 48-72 hours), and they will schedule an ultrasound for the following week after that. The ultrasound is to confirm the heartbeat (s) . Okay, so I am really okay with the prospect of carrying twins. But triplets is a whole other ball game. Not saying that is what I am carrying. The beta really doesn't hold TOO much weight. I could be shocked and only be carrying a single baby with a super high freakish level. You never know!! So I am not going to get too worked up over it yet. Monday should give us a better idea, and of course the proof will be at the ultrasound. The parents are super excited! They have never been pregnant before though, so I don't think they totally understand what all the levels mean and what not. But I'm the type of person that has to research every single last detail and find every comparison any person has ever even begun to mention on the internet so that I can over-analyze every bit of it :) That's just me. Oh, and I've been feeling pretty nauseous today too. I am hoping it is just from the nerves of having an appointment today. Because if this is the start of morning sickness....well, lord help me!!!!

Saturday, March 27, 2010


So there you have it - my series of BFPs (Big Fat Positives for those not savvy to the addiction of peeing on sticks!!). Now, to most people you may not be able to see the second lines on the first two - but with my super surro-pee test vision, along with the confirmation from my fellow surrogates, they indeed are there!! (plus in my defense they are much harder to see when captured on photo than in person - you must believe me!). But regardless of squinting and taking apart tests, the word "pregnant" is all I need to put a smile on my face. The first (at 4 days past transfer) I was CERTAIN would be negative. After spending a small fortune on tests at Target, I scolded myself as I even took the test because I knew it was early and would be let down. I envisioned just flushing $10.00 down the drain as I "wasted" it just for the sake of being impatient. But the faintest of faint line gave me hope! Darker the next day, and digital test today confirms! A & J are super excited but still cautious - but what they don't realize is that this is a MAJOR hurdle we have overcome. So many times IVF cycles fail, so to even get this far is a huge leap in the right direction. My beta (bloodwork) that will give us my hormone levels isn't scheduled until April 5th, which might as well be an eternity away. So I am going to try and reschedule it for this coming up week. THEN, instead of obsessing over little pink lines, I can start obsessing over the number (is it too high, is it too low, did one stick, both??, what if there's a splitter??) - that's when the fun begins :) But for right now, in this moment and today, life is GOOD and I am thankful!!!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Stick babies stick!!

So the BIG day was yesterday!! I now have 2 beautiful little embryos floating around trying to find a comfy place to set up shop. Everything went pretty smoothly. Brandon came with me and we were a little surprised that A & J (the parents) had not yet arrived. So time is passing and they aren't showing and I am getting pretty nervous. What if they don't show? Do we go forward anyhow? Maybe they are backing out???!! All of these things are running through my already frazzled mind. So when the nurse called me back that it's my turn I had a moment of panic, and then go to the back where A and J are sitting waiting for me. Thank goodness! I have no clue why they were put in the back room and we were in the waiting room, but my fears were rested and we got all ready to go (including lovely hospital gown and gorgeous blue mesh hair-net!).

Then the nurse had me take a valium (I believe to relax the walls of the uterus). I didn't have to do this last time, but it's part of this Dr.'s medication schedule. I did not like it one bit - I don't do well with stuff like that. It made me all loopy for a short time. But A was allowed to come back with me for the actual procedure. We even got to see the little embryos on a big screen and watch as the Dr. sucked them up and put them in, and you can't help but look at them and think, my God, those are 2 tiny little babies!!!! Just amazing - and so surreal. They put in a 5day and a 6day (that just means how far they are developed) and they said they were good quality and my lining looked good. :) It only takes all of about 3 minutes for the whole thing.

So afterwords we all went to lunch, then went to pick up the kids from my parents, and headed home. Although valium and me are not friends, I do not think I have ever slept so long in my life! I passed out as soon as we got home. Woke up for dinner and my meds. And passed out again until the morning. So in total I got about 14, yes 14, hours of sleep. I must have really needed it, because today I feel like a completely new person!! I am feeling really good and positive. My actual bloodwork-pregnancy test is not until April 5th, but I think I will probably test at home sooner just to prepare myself. The success for IVF isn't all that great, so I am trying not to get my hopes up too high. But I REALLY hope this works and it all goes well.

Positive energy reinforcement, right?? So stick babies stick....stick babies stick......

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Try, try again...

Well, when I had written the last post back in August, I really thought that would be the end to this blog. I was heartbroken, horribly sad, and just overwhelmed with the feeling that I had done something terribly wrong. The whole termination process was extremely physically painful, and of course took a real emotional toll on me. But after healing and taking time to think about why I had gotten myself into that situation to begin with (as in, why I wanted to be a surrogate), I realized I could not end the period in my life having babies with such a tragic experience. I just felt I could do better. So, I decided to get back in the saddle and do another surrogacy.

Many people in my life are not too happy about this decision. Some say that I should have learned my lesson (!!!!), that I should just move on and realize that having children shouldn't be "forced" and that there are reasons certain people do not/cannot have children. I wholeheartedly disagree with these statements. I think it's an utter shame that people could even for a second believe that surrogacy is a bad thing and make judgements on others not so fortunate with their fertility. Yes, bad things can happen (don't we all now know!), but that doesn't mean that EVERY surrogacy ends badly, and that most certainly doesn't mean that just because I had one bad experience, people out there who desperately want children and can't shouldn't be afforded the chance to be parents. The majority of people in my life, the ones who know and care about me, do not want to see me go through what I went through before. But are willing to support me if this is something I feel I must do. And this IS something I feel I must do! I feel I have the opportunity to do something extraordinary for somebody, and I owe it to myself and to my little surro-angel baby, who I was responsible for not only helping bring into this world but take him out, to do so. I know I can do better! And what some people don't understand is that surrogacy makes me a better person. It makes me a better mom because it makes me appreciate (even more-so than I already did) how lucky and fortunate I am to have all of these incredible moments with my own children. It makes me a better wife because I see how amazing and wonderful Brandon is for supporting me with everything I do - and makes me want to do the same for him. And it makes me a better person, because knowing I am doing something good for somebody else and sacrificing parts of myself for someone makes me feel fulfilled. And if God forbid something terrible happens again, okay then. I will walk away from surrogacy and know I gave it my best. But I do believe I have a purpose here and I need to give it just one more shot.

So back in January I got matched with another couple through the agency I was with prior. The reason they chose this couple for me is because they are on the same page as me as far as terminating. It is in my contract that I will not terminate for Down's again, and the couple I am doing this for agree that they do not believe that is something worth ending a babies life for. They are absolutely wonderful! Brandon and me both think they are just an awesome down-to-earth interesting couple who you can tell will be fabulous parents. They live within an hour away too, so they can be there for all of the milestones of the pregnancy. I am so excited to begin this process again for them, and I am trying really hard not to let last time spoil this excitement.

So, back to the board with all of the medications/injections/etc! We are transferring 2 frozen embryos March 21st (less than a week away)!!! Crossing fingers, toes, and everything else that this time will be different....