Friday, November 5, 2010
A special Homecoming & my last post...
The babies are HOME!!! :) They made their journey into the real world Friday the 12th of November. I am overwhelmed with happiness for Ann and Joe and their families. What a joyous day! AND they got to come home together which I think must be some sort of small blessing. With Liam having his surgery I had always thought he would have to spend more time in the NICU. Maybe Luke was waiting for his brother because he didn't want to leave him behind :) We got to go over and visit and they look so content being home with mom and dad. And for the first time we got to see what they actually look like without the tubes and monitors. I didn't think they could get much cuter, but of course they always surprise me with how they continue to get more and more adorable :) Leo and Carmela FINALLY got to see the outcome of those months of my big belly! They were cute with the babies - petting their heads and unintentionally poking them, in a nice way of course - lol. Leo just keeps talking about when they get bigger and can come play with him and go to school with him! There were many times along the way where it was unknown what the outcome would be, so the fact that both babies are home and healthy is such a relief.
So I come to the end of this journey. As for me, I question what the future will hold. I am pretty sure I wouldn't qualify to be a surrogate again, what with having delivered at 30 weeks, and also having 3 c-sections under my belt (or belly I guess!). Many people lately have been questioning my emotional state after having the babies. I know it seems hard to believe or understand, but I truly have no "maternal" bond to the babies. I don't feel any sadness that they are no longer with me, but rather a happiness that they are where they were meant to be all along. I guess the best way to describe it is that I feel like they are my nephews. I love and care for them deeply and only want the best for them, but I know and feel that they are not mine. This became perfectly clear to me the first time I got to see them in the hospital. They were tiny and seemingly fragile and Ann told me I could reach my hand in their isolette and touch them. I did, and really just agitated them and felt a little uncomfortable about it. I felt sad because I had taken care of them for so long, and now I didn't know how to comfort them and help them. But then Ann put her hand in the isolette and knew exactly where and how to lay her hand over the babies. I know this because as soon as she touched them, they immediately relaxed and became peaceful. That was amazing! It proved to me (even though I already knew this) that being a mom and having a mother's instinct/connection has nothing whatsoever to do with carrying the babies! Being a mom is SO much more than that.
I am so thankful to have gotten the opportunity to be able to do this. All in all, rough patches and smooth sailing, the happy ending I was dreaming of helping to create for the past two years is here! And there are 2 very special people (and 2 special babies) that I want to thank for giving me that chance.
Dear Ann and Joe,
Seeing you both at home with your babies has to be one of the best feelings I have had in a long time. It seems crazy to think that we met less than a year ago, and here we are 11 months later and you are holding the 2 most precious things that will forever change your lives! I am so thankful for getting the opportunity to be a part of this. Brandon and me knew the day we met you guys that you would be awesome parents - it's just a feeling that you conveyed with your words and actions how deeply you wanted children. This feeling was confirmed every step of the way. It was so strange how the whole journey unfolded and fell into place - it seemed every detail came to be by fate. I feel like Luke and Liam were in the works long before any of us had ever even thought about it. They were meant to be here with you.
You have both been an inspiration to me. You have such an unconditional love for everyone/everything in your lives and you are so accepting and grateful for everything life has dealt to you, both the good and the bad. Just from the short conversations I have had at your baby showers with the people who know and love you best, it is clear how generous and genuine you are. You have touched so many people's lives and that is shown by the wonderful people that surround you! You so deserve to have your own family you wished for. Everyone I talked to said the same thing to me. "You couldn't be doing this for a better or more deserving couple." And I couldn't agree more! I love you guys and I hope you enjoy every moment with your little angels. Thank you for inviting me and my whole family into your lives. I hope we can continue to be a part of your life so that we can see what wonderful and caring young men you will raise :)
Dear Luke and Liam,
If you ever have the opportunity to read this blog, I want you to know that the both of you have a very special place in my heart. You are courageous and strong fighters, and I want you to know you can be anything and do anything you set your mind out to. You have a mom and dad that love you more than the world, and have loved you far before I got the opportunity to meet you. You are so very lucky to have the family that you do - they have prayed and waited so long to have you both. I loved getting to help bring you to them - even in the most uncomfortable of times, you were both a joy to carry around! Luke, you were comfy cozy the way you were (you settled in head first and never budged) but there wasn't a moment of the day I worried about you because you were constantly pushing, kicking, squirming! You definitely didn't want to be messed with. My son Leo would always lay his head on my belly over you and you would kick him off every time- lol! Liam, you were a funny little guy because although you were constantly moving and changing position, I very rarely felt you move at all. You must be the sneaky one - watch out mom and dad! You are full of surprises - everyone was so concerned over your health and well-being once we found out you needed surgery when you were born. You sure showed them! You soared over all of your hurdles like nothing :) You are a very determined little man and I know that will allow you to excel in whatever you do in life.
Although you are both still so tiny, you have taught me so many things! Through this experience I have learned to trust my heart and to have the courage to follow what I believe in, despite what others may say. You have taught me to appreciate every single moment and never take things for granted, and that miracles do happen! I feel I am a stronger person for having been a small part of your lives, and I am thankful for that. I can't wait to see what amazing things you will both accomplish in your lives. We all love you both very much, and I know with the support team you have behind you that you have everything you could ever need, but please know we are always here for you no matter what!! :)
A while back after visiting with her boys, Ann sent me a text that said "I love them so much, it makes my heart hurt". Isn't that exactly the feeling of being a parent, if you could capture the feeling with words? I thought to myself, Yes! And being able to allow someone to feel this, that small but profound phrase, THAT is why I am/was/will always be in my heart, a surrogate.