First Ultrasound...

So THERE'S the reason I have been feeling so awful this past week! I've been living in a cloud of denial that this nausea/achiness/crabiness was just the onset of the flu. But seeing these two little amazing sacs puts those thoughts of the flu to the back of my mind. It makes sense now :) I have also been so incredibly hungry. Pregnancy hunger is unlike any other. Sure, you may have just ate lunch an hour ago, but out of nowhere you feel as if you have been deprived of food for an entire week. And you must shove something, anything, into your mouth like NOW. And if you don't, you might just die of starvation right then and there. This hunger may result in waking up in the middle of the night for a bowl or cereal, or maybe sneaking into a bathroom stall while shopping with a friend to stuff a granola bar in your mouth (embarrassingly I have done both!). Now it is super early in pregnancy for me to be feeling these things - about 3 weeks sooner and twice as worse than I have had in any of my past pregnancies. But it's TWINS!! Twice the love, twice the magic, twice the sickness and twice the stretchmarks :)

The dad was there to share in today's news. He was so incredibly cute! He was just thrilled and kept trying to take a video on his phone of the ultrasound to text to his wife, asking all kinds of questions to the tech. With tears in his eyes he was able to call her and tell her what we saw. It is such an incredible experience to share with somebody, and when you can actually see in a person's eyes how much what you're doing means to them, it makes every little uncomfortable moment worth it.

Both sacs were measuring right on, and we even got to see a little flicker of a heartbeat in one! The tech said beforehand we would not see any heartbeat at all at this point, so that was a wonderful surprise! And we go back in a week just to check both heartbeats by ultrasound. I do have a 3mm SCH like I had the last time around, but it is already starting to clot up and heal, so I am not concerned about that right now. I brought the parents a gift of a book that shows pictures and images of a baby from conception to birth, and a calendar that will tell them every day what changes are happening for the baby. I was thinking maybe they would feel more a part of it if they knew exactly what was happening and when. I cannot wait for the next few months to hit all the fun milestones. Feeling TWO babies move around, getting to find out the sexes, planning for their arrival. It is going to be an incredible experience!! Don't get me wrong - carrying twins scares me to death! I know we are now at higher risk for all sorts of problems. But I am going to just take it a day at a time, and if there are bridges to cross I will do so when I need to. For now I am determined this will be a positive experience with the best outcome possible!

(FINAL) Beta #3...

Alright - last (hopefully) bloodwork came back at 14,591!

That is great news - everything is going up and that is what should be happening. BUT (and of course isn't there always a "but").... starting this morning I have been having some cramping and bleeding :( This exact thing happened at almost the exact same time in my last surrogacy, and it ended up being a subchorionic hematoma. Once I stopped taking the baby aspirin last time it healed up and was fine. So I am stopping the aspirin today, increasing my progesterone injection to every other night instead of every third (oh my poor butt!), and hoping hoping praying that this is the same thing happening this time. Bleeding is extremely common in IVF pregnancies, so I am not too terribly concerned at this point. But I have orders to take it easy and notify the nurse if it gets worse. The one good thing that has come of it (I guess good??) is that I got to bump up my ultrasound from next Friday to next Monday. We probably won't get to see heartbeat(s) at that time because it is still early, but we should be able to see how many babies are in there!! A won't get to be there though because she will be in Germany, but J hopefully can make it. And then we can find out what this bleeding deal is about.

So much for coasting through this time! But what journey wouldn't be incredible without a few bumps along the way?? Although I am a hormonal mess (yeah, I've been acting pretty crazy these past few days - I admit!) I am striving to get to Monday without having a nervous breakdown :) One day at a time...

Beta #2....

So Beta#2 is officially in.....
6701!!
Oh boy.... so I need to schedule one more blood draw this Thursday and then an ultrasound next Thursday. How oh how can I wait that long to see what's going on in there??? The nurse assured me on the phone as I semi-freaked out that I should not worry, should not compare my #s to other people online, and to just wait until the ultrasound because it can go any way at this point. So I can be carrying either one little bean or a litter and I am not supposed to WORRY??!! Crazy nurse lady - of course I am going to worry and compare my #s online - hehe :) What else would I do with my free moments during the day??! This is going to be one. long. week. until next Thursday, that is for sure!!

Beta #1 !!

So I pretty much knew going into today's appointment I was pregnant. Especially after taking the multitude of tests I have taken over the past week - I knew it would be "positive". But what I didn't know was the crazy Beta (the level of the pregnancy hormone in my blood) I would receive!! I waited nervously holding my cell phone all day long waiting for the call, only for the nurse to tell me.... (((drumroll please))) ...... 2014!!!!
Here is a summary of some betas that have been posted by other girls on the surrogacy forum I am a member of:

12dp5dt
Singleton: 46, 72, 89, 97, 126, 226, 252, 298, 300, 342, 351, 376, 423, 430, 505, 526, 580, 699
Twins: 389, 766, 971, 1045, 1149, 1155, 1250, 1507, 1709, 2065, 2408
Trips: 473, 746, 801, 1129, 2085

Yeah - SCARY!!!! I have a repeat draw next Monday and then next Friday (to make sure my #s are doubling every 48-72 hours), and they will schedule an ultrasound for the following week after that. The ultrasound is to confirm the heartbeat (s) . Okay, so I am really okay with the prospect of carrying twins. But triplets is a whole other ball game. Not saying that is what I am carrying. The beta really doesn't hold TOO much weight. I could be shocked and only be carrying a single baby with a super high freakish level. You never know!! So I am not going to get too worked up over it yet. Monday should give us a better idea, and of course the proof will be at the ultrasound. The parents are super excited! They have never been pregnant before though, so I don't think they totally understand what all the levels mean and what not. But I'm the type of person that has to research every single last detail and find every comparison any person has ever even begun to mention on the internet so that I can over-analyze every bit of it :) That's just me. Oh, and I've been feeling pretty nauseous today too. I am hoping it is just from the nerves of having an appointment today. Because if this is the start of morning sickness....well, lord help me!!!!

BFP!!!!

So there you have it - my series of BFPs (Big Fat Positives for those not savvy to the addiction of peeing on sticks!!). Now, to most people you may not be able to see the second lines on the first two - but with my super surro-pee test vision, along with the confirmation from my fellow surrogates, they indeed are there!! (plus in my defense they are much harder to see when captured on photo than in person - you must believe me!). But regardless of squinting and taking apart tests, the word "pregnant" is all I need to put a smile on my face. The first (at 4 days past transfer) I was CERTAIN would be negative. After spending a small fortune on tests at Target, I scolded myself as I even took the test because I knew it was early and would be let down. I envisioned just flushing $10.00 down the drain as I "wasted" it just for the sake of being impatient. But the faintest of faint line gave me hope! Darker the next day, and digital test today confirms! A & J are super excited but still cautious - but what they don't realize is that this is a MAJOR hurdle we have overcome. So many times IVF cycles fail, so to even get this far is a huge leap in the right direction. My beta (bloodwork) that will give us my hormone levels isn't scheduled until April 5th, which might as well be an eternity away. So I am going to try and reschedule it for this coming up week. THEN, instead of obsessing over little pink lines, I can start obsessing over the number (is it too high, is it too low, did one stick, both??, what if there's a splitter??) - that's when the fun begins :) But for right now, in this moment and today, life is GOOD and I am thankful!!!

Stick babies stick!!

So the BIG day was yesterday!! I now have 2 beautiful little embryos floating around trying to find a comfy place to set up shop. Everything went pretty smoothly. Brandon came with me and we were a little surprised that A & J (the parents) had not yet arrived. So time is passing and they aren't showing and I am getting pretty nervous. What if they don't show? Do we go forward anyhow? Maybe they are backing out???!! All of these things are running through my already frazzled mind. So when the nurse called me back that it's my turn I had a moment of panic, and then go to the back where A and J are sitting waiting for me. Thank goodness! I have no clue why they were put in the back room and we were in the waiting room, but my fears were rested and we got all ready to go (including lovely hospital gown and gorgeous blue mesh hair-net!).

Then the nurse had me take a valium (I believe to relax the walls of the uterus). I didn't have to do this last time, but it's part of this Dr.'s medication schedule. I did not like it one bit - I don't do well with stuff like that. It made me all loopy for a short time. But A was allowed to come back with me for the actual procedure. We even got to see the little embryos on a big screen and watch as the Dr. sucked them up and put them in, and you can't help but look at them and think, my God, those are 2 tiny little babies!!!! Just amazing - and so surreal. They put in a 5day and a 6day (that just means how far they are developed) and they said they were good quality and my lining looked good. :) It only takes all of about 3 minutes for the whole thing.

So afterwords we all went to lunch, then went to pick up the kids from my parents, and headed home. Although valium and me are not friends, I do not think I have ever slept so long in my life! I passed out as soon as we got home. Woke up for dinner and my meds. And passed out again until the morning. So in total I got about 14, yes 14, hours of sleep. I must have really needed it, because today I feel like a completely new person!! I am feeling really good and positive. My actual bloodwork-pregnancy test is not until April 5th, but I think I will probably test at home sooner just to prepare myself. The success for IVF isn't all that great, so I am trying not to get my hopes up too high. But I REALLY hope this works and it all goes well.

Positive energy reinforcement, right?? So stick babies stick....stick babies stick......

Try, try again...

Well, when I had written the last post back in August, I really thought that would be the end to this blog. I was heartbroken, horribly sad, and just overwhelmed with the feeling that I had done something terribly wrong. The whole termination process was extremely physically painful, and of course took a real emotional toll on me. But after healing and taking time to think about why I had gotten myself into that situation to begin with (as in, why I wanted to be a surrogate), I realized I could not end the period in my life having babies with such a tragic experience. I just felt I could do better. So, I decided to get back in the saddle and do another surrogacy.

Many people in my life are not too happy about this decision. Some say that I should have learned my lesson (!!!!), that I should just move on and realize that having children shouldn't be "forced" and that there are reasons certain people do not/cannot have children. I wholeheartedly disagree with these statements. I think it's an utter shame that people could even for a second believe that surrogacy is a bad thing and make judgements on others not so fortunate with their fertility. Yes, bad things can happen (don't we all now know!), but that doesn't mean that EVERY surrogacy ends badly, and that most certainly doesn't mean that just because I had one bad experience, people out there who desperately want children and can't shouldn't be afforded the chance to be parents. The majority of people in my life, the ones who know and care about me, do not want to see me go through what I went through before. But are willing to support me if this is something I feel I must do. And this IS something I feel I must do! I feel I have the opportunity to do something extraordinary for somebody, and I owe it to myself and to my little surro-angel baby, who I was responsible for not only helping bring into this world but take him out, to do so. I know I can do better! And what some people don't understand is that surrogacy makes me a better person. It makes me a better mom because it makes me appreciate (even more-so than I already did) how lucky and fortunate I am to have all of these incredible moments with my own children. It makes me a better wife because I see how amazing and wonderful Brandon is for supporting me with everything I do - and makes me want to do the same for him. And it makes me a better person, because knowing I am doing something good for somebody else and sacrificing parts of myself for someone makes me feel fulfilled. And if God forbid something terrible happens again, okay then. I will walk away from surrogacy and know I gave it my best. But I do believe I have a purpose here and I need to give it just one more shot.

So back in January I got matched with another couple through the agency I was with prior. The reason they chose this couple for me is because they are on the same page as me as far as terminating. It is in my contract that I will not terminate for Down's again, and the couple I am doing this for agree that they do not believe that is something worth ending a babies life for. They are absolutely wonderful! Brandon and me both think they are just an awesome down-to-earth interesting couple who you can tell will be fabulous parents. They live within an hour away too, so they can be there for all of the milestones of the pregnancy. I am so excited to begin this process again for them, and I am trying really hard not to let last time spoil this excitement.

So, back to the board with all of the medications/injections/etc! We are transferring 2 frozen embryos March 21st (less than a week away)!!! Crossing fingers, toes, and everything else that this time will be different....